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“Take up one idea. Make that one idea your life - think of it, dream of it, live on that idea. Let the brain, muscles, nerves, every part of your body, be full of that idea, and just leave every other idea alone. This is the way to success, that is way great spiritual giants are produced.” Swami Vivekananda
“Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.” Steve Jobs
“The truth is incontrovertible, malice may attack it, ignorance may deride it, but in the end; there it is.” Winston Churchill

hmm, i guess this will be the last time im complaining, being a querulous person. HAHA. im trying to act chem. HAHAHA. aiya, we're forced to be tested on vocabs anyway. it's better to use them than wasting ur time learning them and forget after the test right?

i've finally mature in my thinking. kinda lahh. HAHA. i'll not grumble and complain over my past, my upbringing, my background and all sorts of unfortunate things. this will be the last and first time i saying everything(that's say-able here). and the last time u'll be seeing me typing in chunks. cause im not blogging anymore. though im gona leave the blog to rot here. until after Os then i'll decide if im gona continue this 7year long blog. WITHOUT CHANGING MY URL AT ALL. COOL ANOT?! HAHAHAHA. i'll leave the tagboard here and see which INTERESTING person/people will come. AHHA. like previously, i left the blog to rot. and theres some weirdo spamming thingy going on. i saw it long ago but decided to leave it there. AHHAHA. but yahh, i'll delete everything and see who's gona continue spamming a dead blog. though i'll still drop by. if i have the time. cause my free time are dedicated to the tv instead. HAHAH. its my ONLY and perhaps LAST form of entertainment in my life if Os not gona be over. HAHAHA.

i've decided to be more guai and not have anymore regrets. at least for this aspect of my life. like what i've said to some of u. i behave in this way is because i have too much regrets. so why bother changing them alr since they'll just build up. and yes, this is pessimism. and yes again, i will not continue wasting my life further. HEH.

i shall start typing in chunks(: and in sentences or phrasing that ppl will not understand.

if u've know me since the time this blog started or maybe just since p5(ok, that's when my life turned upside down and when i started to feel human), u'll know that i've always been complaining or maybe what ur call emo-ing. although to me its just expressing my feelings and complaining. but yahh, im gona stop all this nonsense. though i cant assure u guys that really care about me whether im gona get out of this darkness(if u guys really know me, u'll know what im talking about), but i know i'll try. perhaps its not really darkness afterall. cause somehow, i've got out of the real darkness perhaps few years ago. just gota change my thinking a little. actually, all this started with a book. ok, actually, i dont really want ppl to know what im talking about. but doesnt matter, only ppl who are REALLY REALLY observant will know what im trying to say. oh yahh, if u're reading this, and thinking that im like that because of u, dont be so sure yet. cause there's many reasons to why im like that. if nobody could bring light into my life, i'll do it myself. and of course with the help of my friends. true friends whom i feel comfortable with. whom i finally let my guard down upon. whom i've no doubts with. although yes, i do agree that i have many friends, but true friends, i honestly cant count many. what more comfortable friends. i dont tell everything to someone. cause that shield is not broken yet. its all bits and pieces. if u know my present, u wont know my past. if u know my past, u wont know my present. thats me. actually, if u really wanna know why previously i was actually so angry with u that i stopped talking to u, i finally found the answer. its simple. cause history repeated itself again. i was again left alone. when finally i've let my guard down FULLY, i was left alone. i was thrown away. i was being deem useless/unimportant. do u know how it feels like to feel that way? how it feels like to feel the same thing again? its not easy picking urself up again. but yes, i did. and i built a stronger, longer 'wall'? but yes, its so susceptible. and finally, i cave in to the temptation all humans will have. not that dirty kinda temptation of course. the chem one. the temptation of concern. u thought that someone cared for u. but in fact, its just ur own wishful thinking. she was just playing her part as a friend. as a responsible friend. okk, maybe im somehow wrong. i admit it. i just wanted/needed someone to talk to. ok, i dont know. perhaps its just me. perhaps i was just being too used to it. i dono and dont wish to think about it. since its alr over and wont happen anymore.

actually, i cant rmb what i wanna type anymore. cause i saved it and wanted to continue the next day. but ended up i continued like 3-4days later? so i cant rmb alr. HAHHA. so the post wont be that emotional. HAHAH. actually, everything is just how u think. its just how u wanna face it. actually, i really dono. i dont want to continue typing anymore. i dont wanna think about it. i do want to change it. but its really hard. but i know i'll try. im sick of failing. i sick of losing. i sick of being left alone. im sick of being the one understanding ppl. im sick of acting. im sick of putting on that facade. though it'll never go off whenever im in front of anyone. i have to get back strong, like usual. i dotn wanna fall anymore. since this is a cruel world. i'll be cruel, i'll be feelingless. there's no point thinking deep into such problems anymore. cause the answer is always unsure. why spending time thinking stuffs that there's no answer? i should spent more time in my studies instead. i dont care what ppl say. but i rather do my best for this period of time. i do not want to only say it but not do it. i've been VERY off form in EVERYTHING lately. i really dono what's with me. i've really tried to think hard about it. but i just cant get the answer u know. guess i just needed more time. i need to manage my time more wisely. i need to be more hardworking. i know i have to do this. i need to be more thickskinned to ask ppl for help. i may not have an exact goal in mind now to motivate me further. but i know i have to get this over fast and with quality. my goal may have diminished, but i know its still there. i know ultimately what i wanna do. wait till im more ready. wait till my confidence is back. wait till im more daring. wait till i dare to open my mouth to ask u. that day will be the day i find back my goal and finally doing what i like most. and perhaps the day something else overwhelmed me. i know that day will come. it has to. but somehow ive difted further from my ultimate goal. NO, i cant think this way. cause i need to get Os over with first before i can concentrate. if not i'll fail again. damn it, i really hate this. no, i have to do this. to prove it to her i can do it. yes, i know i will. i've done it on the track and i'll do it again in life. now i sounds like im a tracker. but no, im a netballer and im not gona explain what i mean. HAHA. if not some ppl read this part alr will understand. HEH.

long right my post? YEAHH, i know i rock. AHHAH. yes, i have to be optimistic! i have to rmb the good stuffs instead of the bad stuffs! yeahh, i have to. though i know some things wouldnt change. but at least let me be happier. ur may not have done what i wanted ur to do. ur may not have showered me with love like how other kids had. cause i know ur have ur INTERESTING way of showering us with love. though we really cant feel it at times. esp when we're older. but sometimes looking at my sister, i know how u showered us with love. just that sometimes, its really the wrong method. but anyway, yahh, like what u always said, im old enough to think. what more rmb. if u asked me what i like best that u've ever done for me. its simple. though it may not have affected u alot. but it meant alot to me. and im happy and grateful that u've done it. though its really nothing big, nothing interesting or even meaningful. but it is to me. and thats enough. thats all i need once in a while. i dont wish for more. thankyou. and u, ive always dislike u. and theres no way i can rmb anything that got to do with u. neither do i wanna say anything to u. just be nicer to her will you? okk, why am i saying this? nobody will understand. but nvm, its really for my own purpose. yes, im gona be better. my life will be brighter. believe in yourself and dear god. okk, why am i saying this? im getting more and more off point. and i did say i dont wanna type anymore. HAHA.

okk, i realised if i detach myself from the computer, i'll nv get emotional. and if i make myself tired that i'll just pomp and sleep, i'll not get sad either. so yes, i'm gona prevent all these. im gona work hard. im gona win this battle. i swear studying hard is way worst than training hard. i rather be running my ass out now. im serious. at the very least theres someone to cheer u on. to follow u do. to talk to u. and they're all alive. but the books, if they ever talk to u, i think u'll be in the imh alr. and the best thing, u'll see urself improving, literally. although sometimes some hiccups may happen. but studies? its either an A or a C or maybe a F-.- u wont see urself improving bit by bit. not even miles. thats why i prefer doing things literally than reading them. thats also why my bio and comb humanities is not good. cause u just keep reading. but u'll wonder why i did not say comb sci. cause purely, its easier than pure sciences. though this time round i may just flunk my chem test :/ over confidence is what makes ppl fall right from the top. okk, i shall stop all this nonsense and get brighter.

i feel happy these few days though. esp the bball part. where someone fell. HAHAHHA. if u read this, good for u. cause u kinda made my week. be proud of it. HAHAHAHHAHAHAH. i swear whenever i think about it, i really feel like laughing. cause its fucking funny. i cant imagine someone falling over the ball like that. im so sorry, but really no offence. its just too funny. we should have more of this. though i may drain myself out, but this kinda also make me have bad tempers. cause im not having enough sleep. or perhaps i just dont think so much alr. and its good. HAHAH. i jsut really need to get stuffs off my mind sometimes. but nowadays, its more of stress than other things alr. cause ive learn to let go(:

okk, really enough of crap. its blooooooodddddyyyyyy long alr. HAHAHA. and i still have to go sch for the freaking clapping hand ceremony. yahh, thats what i call it. be glad that i actually did not pon it.