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“Take up one idea. Make that one idea your life - think of it, dream of it, live on that idea. Let the brain, muscles, nerves, every part of your body, be full of that idea, and just leave every other idea alone. This is the way to success, that is way great spiritual giants are produced.” Swami Vivekananda
“Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.” Steve Jobs
“The truth is incontrovertible, malice may attack it, ignorance may deride it, but in the end; there it is.” Winston Churchill

hmm, i'll try to keep this short i guess. hahah. yeahh, i know i just blogged not long ago, maybe i just felt like typing? or i have a little time to spare now? HAHA.

kk, so my sister's overseas again. seriously, on sunday when we were sending her off, and when im with her alone, i felt like i was the older sister instead! yeahh, oldie~ previously when i was lunching with my mum and sister, we were talking about dono what thing. then my sister was saying that later next time ppl think that im the older one instead of her!! HAHA. but so far, no such comment!! which is good. AHHA. then when we sent my sister off and walking home, my dad was saying that actually im around my sister's height. AHHAHA. its a good thing and its actually quite true. shes just slightly taller than me only lohh! but i do think that my younger sister will be taller than the two of us!! k, i really hope we could go over to visit her. i wanna go somewhere cold!! not warm like singapore!!!

so ytd was pretty much alright. lab was boring, but at least someone didnt come. dont have her to irritate me-.- infotech was o.O i really thought i would maybe JUST pass my practical2. but amazingly, i had 72? not very good, but its good if u didnt study and all those stupid fuctions just make u wanna throw the txtbk at the teacher!!! cause its freaking useless. k lah, not useless, i just didnt have the time to flip through thoroughly.

then trg was ARGHHHH. 3 rounds was pretty much alright. k, whole trg was pretty much alright. just that my finger really hurt a little? and i do think it'll remain fat forever alr))))); i wanna cry. this sucks. its all on my right hand. like all taking turns): my right pinky alr out of shape, now the second last finger): k, then the other sucks part was when im suppose to explain the game. i dont wanna be deem as someone who is proud/bossy/petty/demanding and whatnot. i mean like, i know im still a year1. that is why i didnt wanna lead or anything. and freaking, if u want me to explain, freaking just listen to what im saying!!! if they were the sec1s or ppl i coached before, all kena scolded until dono like what alr lohh. pay attention when ppl's speaking and give them the respect lahh!! if like whisper to ask question abt the thing the person is saying still ok, talking? no way-.-

ok, forget it. i dont wanna talk abt it. its nothing big anyway. i jsut wanna clearify. im not pms-ing neither am i acting like a spoilt brat or that i cant lead. i dont really mind ppl saying im pms-ing anyway. cause sometimes i really do. and when i do, thats the end of ur day~ HAHAHA. i felt like a spoilt brat ytd when i was suppose to explain lahh! like so shitty. that NEVER happened to me in netball before. its damn stupid. maybe next time i just shouldnt bother. anyway they are suppose to be serious also. seriously, i kinda wonder how ms puva would even react to them!! if shes still like last time, i do think many of them will be in big trouble.

i can totally still rmb how she scolded me for falling down before an important match. and how mrs dave came to my rescue cause i fell down due to morning trg-.- but yes, it is still my fault cause i wasnt careful enough. but apparently, its a blessing in disguise? cause i no longer limp on court when i fall. thats what she taught me~ seems like its all the bad stuffs that she taught me lehh. yeahh, and obviously i wont let it happen again. im gona play, not benched.

COMMITTMENT is ALWAYS the KEY.

yes, today early morning my day alr got ruined. like OMG, SHIT HOLE. but apparently, it was like as though im alr so used to it-.- i was REALLY angry at the start, but it was like only for maybe 1minute? its like an accomplishment man!! HAHAH. but i did complain abt it after that lahh. suppressed anger needs to be relieved yo! AHHAH. i seriously just cant believe it lahh. sometimes i really wonder how some ppl get into life sciences courses. it seems so simple all of a sudden. not trying to belittle ppl or whatever. yeahh, im not that good myself, so quit complaining!! i think its because of my character too. cause i'll never let myself commit to mistakes easily. i'll not allow myself to walk into lesson without being prepared. as in lab lahh. neither will i allow myself to do the same experiment twice unless its a must to get an average reading for more accurate results. i suppose its rather hereditary? cause my dad and sister is the same. but i think im more perfectionist than them. im more hard on myself, i would say. since even my teacher say that to me before. AHHA

i like teachers who realise what kinda of person i am. i am hard on myself cause i jsut wanna do my best. i do have stress. but its something i wouldnt show. and netball is a way of relieving my stress. until now i still find it amazing that my last year form teacher(a guy), actually realises that!! AHHA. cause i do believe even my parents do not know. but sometimes i do break down. cause its just too hard to continue when u have no one to talk to.

i realised that many ppl around me sleep quite late due to work. even my own classmates. they make me feel like i didnt do anything!!! like that time the project. many of them slept damn late. but i was still able to sleep up to 6h? i felt like i didnt do my part!!! which i THINK may be true? i guess its because i did alot more for the scientific one. arghh, but that leeching feeling is just not good :/ but even without that proj, still alot ppl sleep very late. AHHAHA. maybe my time management is better? HAHAHA. i dono. or maybe because i will sacrifice my work for sleep. AHHAHA. cause i just cant sleep less than 6h. once less than that, thats it, im gona fall sick :/ i surely will have flu the next day. then if that continues for a long time, asthma will come. and i dont have the time to lie on the bed all day to rest. so yeahh, i guess its the time management part? and the amount of committment u have?

kk, i should sleep soon. tmr got test-.- sian. i wana go for that science talk thingy, but yet dont feel like. HAHAH. ironic much. k, who cares. yes, i need to write my letter first!! before aug comes, it must be sent out!! HAHAH. i've been pressing the injured finger lately. to remind myself stop being so careless. and maybe to feel the pain too. HAHAHA. sadist. k, its a long post afterall. HAHAHA

k, this will be short. haha. dont have the mood to type long post anyway. plus, my finger's injured.

yeahh, ytd's trg i was challenging for the ball with my friend. then when catching i kinda hit the ball? right hand the 2nd last finger. maybe the protrusion made by writing too much isnt enough that i had to distort my own finger? HAHAHA. yeahh, so now its swollen plus bruised? i think its swollen because of the bruise. but cant see the blue-black. AHHAHA. so i have no idea what's happening too. and yes, i was suppose to ice it today. but i forgot and too lazy, so forget it.

lets hope it'll recover by monday? so it wouldnt hinder me that much. ankle is problematic enough. yeahh, stop finding excuses for urself. stop saying u wanna be strong but yet finding excuses. let's see who know me best in such situations...

my sis's leaving tmr. sad? i dono. AHHAHA. maybe not quite. tmr gona be quite a long day i guess? since her flight is quite late. bon voyage and hopefully when shes back, i wont feel like im the oldest instead. HAHAH. she'll never see this anyway. AHHAHA. it'll be best if she would be that nice to go get a license and a car. k, but seriously, if shes really that nice, i think she must have gone nuts due to studying too much.

HAHA. k, time to sleep. short enough? not quite..

now, im really starting to feel that im 17 alr. and feeling like 17 isnt really good. theres so much to do. yet theres not really alot of time or that u dont even feel like doing them. every week, i look forward to the end of the week. but when it really comes to the end of the week, it doesnt feel like the end at all. its just the start of another week. preparing for the start of another week.

life is just on going. when u're busy, theres really no way to relax at all. or maybe its just me. im not all that busy, quite obvious, if not i wont be blogging. but i dont feel relax. in fact, i feel very tired. i dono why, but i just am. no matter how much i sleep, im still tired. but if i dont have enough sleep, my brain dont work well. but yet when im sleeping, im subconsciously awake. im actually taking note of the time. like wth. sleep then sleep lahh. still know time for what zzzz. i seriously hate this. cause it just mean that im stressing myself up.

im really starting to doubt myself/my decisions even more. but also, either way, i'll get the stress. i dono why im stress either. i dont see my friends being stressed. k, or maybe i just dont know.

these few days havent been really good. my sis is back for more than a week alr? i kinda thought she could somehow help me in my studies. but all she have for me when i ask her a question is, i cant rmb off hand. so, im back to having my own brains only? hahah. but yeahh, since when i actually really managed to acquire help from her? ahhaha. k, maybe jsut some times. ahhh, but forget it. i no longer wanna dwell on the fact that i dont feel like i have a sister.

k, i cant rmb what i wanna type. and the feel for wanting to blog is gone. HAHAHA. cause i went to eat halfway while blogging. so yeahh, im off to do my work. i realised i havent do alot of things. cause too focused on creative proj alr. k, more like too much time spent of creative proj.

bad news, seems like i have a new injury or smth. my right wrist feels weird. no matter how much i crack, the weirdness/pain is there. DIEEEEEEE. i think it was because of the fall. the impact may have shifted the bone or smth): why such things always happen to me???)))); why do i always choose the tough way out?):

theres so much to do but so little time. i dont even have time to think through things these few days. but somehow, my mind just wants me too. perhaps cause of everything thats happening? been busy with projects and netball and whatever stuffs.

somehow, every project seem to be a disaster to me. IS was pretty much free because i wasnt like the one making decisions and everything. but IS wasnt good because there was acting stuffs included. k lahh, its over anyway. i find it pretty well because we freaking did not even rehearse? our rehearsals were merely reading from the scripts? so yeahh, whatever.

now theres creative presentation due next tues and IT project due next next monday. sucks much. creative isnt very progressive. worst thing is i seem to be the one in charge somehow. keep relying on me making the decision. dont really like that because sometimes im just brain dead. but yet i have to make the decision cause sometimes they arent really focused on what we're working on and that its not the best we can do. i believe in giving my best. since all projects are counted as marks. besides, what for wasting ur time on something u're not doing ur best in? why dont just dont do it if u arent gona put in ur best efforts? its a total waste of time if u dont wanna do ur best. and i do admit im not someone who is very decisive.

argghh, somehow i dono why, i think im blowing my top soon. it just really irritates me alot when something is set then after awhile ppl wanna change it or say we shouldnt have did this or only now then give more ideas. and i really dont like it when my group mates are so scared of me? or maybe because they wanna get my agreement. but arghh, i know everything just lies in me. i dont blame them for anything at all. its just my character. i know it. arghhh, projects are just out to kill me lahh. testing my patience and leadership/decision-making skills man. sucks alot.

so apart from sch work, i have netball stuffs to worry abt. k, not worry but trouble? HAHA. yeahh, sucks much. i think i only told 2 person abt enl stuff? k, cant even say 2. maybe 1? maybe not even 1. i really no longer know what is sharing/ telling someone how u feel anymore. maybe shes right, escapism. haha. guess after a period of time then i realised i dont dont feel anything. i did felt something. but i just dont wanna admit/think i felt that way. i tell everyone im alright. but am i really alright? i dont really think so. im just so tired of everything. the feeling of giving up is back. now, even in np, i dont feel like i play netball before. im starting to lose my confidence somehow. i dont feel right. but yet, i really dono who to tell. im tired of having to feel. im so damn tired that only up till now, i really had the time to even think and breakdown. soemtimes i really wonder if i took the correct path. should i really have continued? i cant believe i actually encouraged ppl to continue so much. and yet im like this. the uselessness/worthlessness/inferiority complex is all back. forget it, i just need more time. sometimes i realised no matter how much i try to blend in, it wouldnt work. afterall, humans all can act damn well. but when it comes to asking u to stand infront of audiences to act, everyone fumbles. im tired of being myself. tired of being alone. tired of everything. so what if i said? does it make any difference? no, it doesnt. it just stays the same. i thought ur would understand me better. but not, it doesnt. now i regret saying. this just proves further. no matter how much i say/tell someone, no one understands. im just meant to be alone. all of a sudden, i just feel like keeping quiet and outcasting myself once again. i realised im just meant to be alone.

k, i've got to slp. the freaking infotech quiz totally wasted my time. and freaking please dont ask me whether im alright. whoever who knows me definitely know i cant say no. so jsut leave me alone. unless u have a way to make me stonger. if not, dont mention a word to me.

im gona be busy again. not really with netball this time but with projects): and i do think this sucks more than trgs? AHHAHA. im gona be busy but i dont wanna un-busy myself. AHHAHA. k, hopefully my plan goes smoothly. as long as i stop mapling. HAHAHAHHA.

k, i shall go sleep now. before im too tired tmr. gotta wake up at 6am? ): then i do suppose i'll be out until quite late. but on a lighter note, MY SISTER IS COMING BACK!!! YAY!! HAHAHA. BUT IM NOT QUITE SURE I WANNA SEE HER BECAUSE OF THE THINGS SHE BROUGHT BACK OR HER. HAHAHHAHA. EVIL, BUT TRUE. but still, i do miss her to a certain extent!! hahaha. i guess if it was 6/5 years back, i would really miss her like crazy. AHHAHAH. but its impossible!! cause our age gap not so big~

kk, i shall stop typing so long. later ppl keep complaining i type so much. HAHAHA. time to sleep!!! ohh, i forgot to mention. tmr or sunday will be the day!! i guess i wont be very much affected! but it REALLY determines if im gona be very free during this whole period including the holidays or im gona be very busy. its quite of an extreme opposite, but still, the decision doesnt lie in me!!

felt so rush recently. because of stupid scientific proj. its damn !@#$%^&*. cause its super duper hard to interpret. worst thing is we still have to summarise!! and its freaking 13pages long article into like less than 20 slides? and the words in the slide must also be like SUPER LITTLE. so its damn hard to summarise! with so many scientific terms which will make u go crazy after seeing. and with ppl on our backs. irritating us. and datelines changing like nobody's business. and with screwed up mel. its BAD!!! next time got proj, just go camp on mel alr. mel sucks lahh.

so we practically rushed through everything. and last week was horrendous. cause i was super shag/tired/stressed out/busy and everything!! so practically didnt have much time to do proj also! then ytd was yet another horrible day. had sch from 830am to 5pm. with ppl spamming me at 820+ when im not late YET. hahaha. then trg from 630 to 815pm. left early cause had to rush back home to do proj!!! super zzz. so we ended up doing until 12+am. and i slept at only 1+am. and i only JUST saw all those impt informations for the proj at like 12+am!!!! so i was like totally WTH!!!!! super stupid/gong and everything.  i cant believe that i actually missed out the impt info-.- and some was because i freaking did not scroll down the email sent to us-.- felt so dumb.

and im so NOT gona let such things happen ever again. NEVER. cause if this keeps up, im really gona fall sick and i wont even have the time to rest!! it really isnt the time to fall sick. no, more like, i realised i dont have the time to fall sick anymore. at least not now.

so when finally we presented the stupid proj today. it was totally a load off my mind. the weird thing was, the first thing i wanted to do was play netball. totally didnt know why. but really, i realised that i havent been feeling the fun in netball recently. club was stressful. np was rather much rubbish. cause ppl cant catch and cant throw. and ppl arent serious either. i dont even know how to start getting serious. i dont want to scold/shout at ppl. but sometimes i just had the urge too, but i know i wouldnt. at least not now. i know its still a few more months before the competition. but still, at this rate, i doubt we'll be winning anybody? so i really havent had much fun during netball. i mean fun as in really enjoying the whole trg process and everything. yes, i do sweat alot everytime i train. but whether anot im sweating for a good purpose was another thing.

club trg was a good purpose. but the awkwardness? no, not really awkwardness. the loneliness and the lack of team work/spirit/bonding part made me felt quite stressful. i dono. the only thing i had in mind during club trg is 'dont be a burden. try ur very best to keep up to everyone's standard. dont drop the ball. throw well. follow instructions. try not to get scolded. blend into their play.' so trg isnt much relaxing in club. its stressful. but i really do enjoy the additional trgs instead. cause the group is smaller. esp when im grouped with ppl i talk to more often. and maybe because we kept doing defender stuffs? i really like doing defender drills. i just really hope i apply them.

kk, so now, everything's over. k, i mean scientific proj. HAHAH. but up next is creative presentation and IT proj-.- siansation. proj proj proj and more proj. im so lucky im not in business sch. if not i'll just kill myself. but that day will never come. cause i can NEVER present.

but im not all that worried for that YET. HAHAHA. now, im just concerned over the enl selection thingy? notice i didnt type worried. cause the only feeling i have is bu gan yuan. i dont think i'll feel sad. cause i dont see a reason to if its not competed fairly. in a sense, fairly lahh. maybe i'll just feel like i've wasted my time somehow?

i thought i would be even fitter in that week of continuous trgs. but in fact no. my body wasnt used to such continuous trgs that it kinda malfunction on the last day of trg for the week. i didnt ache alot cause i stretched after trg. but my knees and shoulders started to hurt. the worst thing was, i dont know why my lungs start to hurt too. like the muscles cant expand and i had a hard time breathing? sucks alot. and that week the weather is like crazy. everytime my mum wash my clothes, she'll be asking me if i wash my clothes before keeping them. cause its TOOOOOOO WEETTTTTTTTTT. then she'll be asking me if im alright. cause i sweat too much-.- she ask me go see doctor somemore. but k lah, i also suspect whether my body got problem. AHHAHHA.

k, so im very tired alr. lets hope i find someone to go watch finals or something with me. although im still deciding. hahahha. or maybe if i find some money to go too. AHHAHAHHA. no lahh, surely my mum pay one. HAHAHA.

k, i was really pissed just now. cause the more i think the more pissed i get-.- but now im pretty much cooled down. HAHAH.  although i think that when i start typing, i'll get pissed AGAIN. HAHAH

k, so i conclude my week with BEING VERY BUSY AND TIRED. like seriously. everything's coming at one go and going at the same time. like why the hell cant it just be spread out?! consecutive 3 trgs with school was bad enough. i was FREAKING tired. lack of sleep. totally felt damn bad when i fell asleep right in front of the lecturer. it wasnt that its boring, but im really TOO tired. i mean, trg wasnt very tiring. but im just really tired. physically was abit, but mentally was really alot. but on the bright side, at least i KO the moment i lie on my bed. cause i was too tired. imagine if i really put in effort for all the 3 trgs!! np trgs are rather aimless. so i dont have the mood to like really play. so obviously i only put in effort when im having club trgs!

tuesday's session was good! pretty funny. maybe cause of how she called me and michelle. it just sounded like my mum! HAHAHAH. cause i thought of my sis! come to think of it, i kinda miss her somehow. miss the younger days i guess. now, i dont even know what i can say to her. and i really really like doing defender drills/stuffs. it just makes me feel happy. esp when im working hard and really defended the ball. and when i show to her that she did not trust wrongly. but still...the end part was rubbish. played like crap. felt bad again. cause once again, she choose to trust me but i let her down again. i just dono why.

today's trg was damn effing. like seriously. i dont know if its like what she said, that shes being demanding. or that shes REALLY pms-ing. and she so did pick on a few ppl lohh. aiya, forget abt being picked on. like anyway im the youngest. but i really cant stand it when i FREAKING DID NOT DO ANYTHING WRONG BUT GOT SCOLDED-.- I DONT MIND U SCOLD ME FOR STEPPING/NOT OUTERFOOT/NOT OUTSIDE TURN/SOMETHING ELSE. OK, I DONT MIND U SCOLD ME WHEN I REALLY DID SMTH WRONG. BUT I REALLY MIND WHEN I FREAKING DID THE CORRECT THING BUT THEN U SCOLDED ME BECAUSE OF I DONO WHAT REASON!!!!! it happened super alot times alr lahh! like even during bdiv!! and it was DAMN obvious!! just because the other player was someone u like/someone who gets things slow, that doesnt give u the right to blame it on others for no reason!!! so u're trying to say im wrong lahh? isnt that why ppl gets scoldings? i freaking DID turn and LOOK down but FREAKING NOBODY WAS EVEN RUNNING?! WTF U WANT ME TO DO?! I CANT POSSIBLY SHOUT AT THEM RIGHT?! THEY'RE LIKE MY SENIORS?! WHATMORE THE PREVIOUS FEW TIMES WHEN ANYONE DROPPED THE BALL WE RESTARTED. SERIOUSLY, WTH. i really cant take it. I REALLY DID LOOKED DOWN. I SWEAR I DID, REALLY. in fact i even waited for ppl to run! though i admit its only one sec! but they're at fault too right?! everyone's at fault!!! and freak hell, i was the one who picked up the loose ball!!! i wasnt even the one who dropped the ball!!! ARGHHHHHH.

u made me play. i play. i listen to u. i do agree that isnt really a valid reason not to play. i also do agree that the final decision lies in u. thats why i persisted. do u even know how hard it really is? ok, lets not talk abt feeling weird/awkward or even inferior. but until now i dont even feel like i belong there! im like just someone extra. i really dono how to say. even u know it. everyone has their own clique. whatmore i dont even have any common topic with ANYBODY. obviously besides netball lahh. i dono. i dont see an effort put in to even make me feel like im a PERSON there. or im even a player there? i do believe u know that i like netball. i like playing it. and i also do believe that u know im quite emotional. as in, i dont cry, ok, i dono how to say. like im sensitive to words, to ppl's actions. i dono. i really tried to understand. but sometimes its really too much. i really dono. these few days im start to feel like im playing netball aimlessly. not here nor there. i dont know why im working hard for. i dono why im making myself so tired. sometimes i just really need some assurance. i know u know that im a thinking player. i mean like u do know that i know when im wrong and stuffs. but sometimes, some things i find correct may not be what u want me to do! like that time, if u didnt tell me, i really dont know how im defending wrongly!! and i do believe it was since bdiv-.- ok, i think thats my fault lahh. i do believe u say it before? ok, actually i really dono what im talking abt. i really dont mind u scolding me/telling me off or whatever. but please, for a REASON. ok, i do agree just now was also my fault. my fault for not telling u that i DID look down but nobody was running. but im quite sure i'll get shoot back also. i believe that i would have said that when im still in amk and that happens. cause at least we're all abt the same age! arghh, i dont know. its getting more vague.

arghh, forget it. i dont even want to talk abt netball stuffs now alr. its making me confuse and everything.

all projects are like coming up. super irritating. seriously, whats with putting everything together?! and i swear scientific project SUCKS. seriously, SUCKS. the word scientific is ENOUGH TO KILL. adding in the project word, its worst. i just hope that REALLY GOES WELL. i dont want to do so much for nothing. okk, i should start getting things done before hand. sometimes, its better to be kiasu then doing last minute stuffs and making u freaking tired or even FREAKING OUT.

ok, i need to sleep. today's a bad night.