Decipher the Story of My Life

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“Take up one idea. Make that one idea your life - think of it, dream of it, live on that idea. Let the brain, muscles, nerves, every part of your body, be full of that idea, and just leave every other idea alone. This is the way to success, that is way great spiritual giants are produced.” Swami Vivekananda
“Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.” Steve Jobs
“The truth is incontrovertible, malice may attack it, ignorance may deride it, but in the end; there it is.” Winston Churchill

Just can't get away.
Tuesday, July 28, 2015 3:36 AM

I realised something. Don't quite know if its a sad or happy thing though... :/ i honestly cant seem to get away from netball. No matter how annoying, exasperating, tiring and all the bad stuffs u can ever think of, i just cant get away from it. Its been in my life for so long to the extend its a norm for me. Its a norm for me to be busy with netball during the holidays. Instead of skipping trgs cause of work. That is just.....ridiculous whenever i thought of it.

Now, im back to prioritising netball again. And honestly, it feels good. Even if attendance is like shit, i still feel happier seeing some of my friends. And even if we dont play in the same team, at least the same club!

I've honestly been trying to get away from netball. To stop prioritising it cause i havent been gaining anything much from it. Just disappointments and more disappointments. I guess i should look in another angle. At least I've gained friends, experiences and understand more ppl/myself.

I just really enjoy such a life. Just having my time to netball, school, friends and a little bit of work HAHAHAHA. that's me, thats the life i enjoy. And i dont wish to change it anymore. Probably that way, i wouldn't have to repeat anything anymore. I should just be thankful that i can still go back to such a life. Don't try anything funny anymore.

Farewell...
Thursday, July 23, 2015 5:33 AM

U probably alr forgetten abt this place. But im still gona type it down. Be it whether u know its referring to u or not, its fine with me. Just to get things off my chest that i would never tell anyone. Kinda ironic isnt it? Typing it here is like announcing to the whole world but yet i dont want to tell just someone. I guess cause im not obliged to say the name or tell the person who/what im referring to. Cause i can make it as anonymous as i want it to.

This is it. Everything is gona be over. The deadline I've given myself is up. I've got to really let go and move on. No point feeling anything anymore. Everything concerning this matter is no longer important. And it wouldnt be.

But yet whenever u talk to me that way, it just reminds me of the past. Oh well, i guess im always like this. Longer time to forget. But im sure i have to and will move on. I guess u must have felt super exasperating talking to me abt me having asthma and still playing/trg. But dont worry, no one in this world have to power to stop me from doing anything i want to alr. No one have the power to persuade me in anything I've made up my mind on. U arent the only one feeling the exasperation when talking to me on my asthma matter.

Actually, in fact i dont think anyone will have the power over this matter. For the past 11 years, netball had been my MAIN priority. It was the reason i continued living back then. And obviously it wouldnt matter to me whether or not i lose my life cause of netball. No one will ever understand how important netball is to me unless the person been through such an experience. What i want to tell u is that, when u finally know what's the most impt thing in ur life, only then u'll know how I'll feel or how it feels like to be willing to sacrifice ur all for something. I want u to be able to feel this one day. Not just going by life taking up everything and anything and just live it as it just is. To feel the burning passion for something u really really loved.

I guess today was a good ending. Even though i didnt do what i initially wanted to. But thats all fine with me. Seeing u giving ur all for something, not because someone was there but because u really wanted to give ur all and perhaps because of what i mentioned. I dono what it is but im really really happy to see that. I just hope u can keep it going. Doesnt mean by putting in ur greatest effort means results should be expected. I've been working hard for at least 5 years after pri sch that i finally had some results in poly. And after that, everything is back to zero. No, in fact it was worse. When i found out that i probably have to stop playing netball or even any sports. But no, its still not going to stop me. I'll still continue trying. Even though i know I'll never catch up. Cause at my peak i alr couldnt last at that intensity. Even if i were to work harder, it'll still be the same.

No one likes losing. In fact, no one likes being blamed for losing. Neither do anyone like the feeling of getting no results from working so hard. But this is just life. And this is a team sport. No matter how much effort u put in, if everyone dont do the same, what kind of results do u expect? Blamming? Thats honestly hard to not have. Cause its in human nature to find an excuse for what's resulted. Its all in the mind. Mentality is what keep a person going when everything seem so bleak and tiring.

Hopefully u'll be stronger. Farewell, all my memories. This is where everything goes back to how it originally should have been like.

Human nature
Thursday, July 16, 2015 3:36 AM

Humans are really pathetic sometimes isnt it? Not doing what they preach. I myself am guilty of that. And then the excuse 'cause im only human too'. Somehow my brain just works on both side of a situation. Which is what i always hate. Cause honestly sometimes i really wish im not always guessing responses correctly. Most ppl will consider both side of a situation too, but whether the thought lingers, its another thing.

Hahaha i probably dont even make sense. Cause i dont even know what im driving at. Ppl all make excuses for what they did. But how do u even define excuses? Only u urself will know. Why bother what ppl say/think/judge u when they will never understand what u go through? Dont make urself sound pathetic cause u clearly are not. U still get to do the things u like, the things u enjoy. So stop being pathetic. Whats pathetic is not knowing what u're working hard for and living life just as though its just some passing thing.

I cant believe i did that. Honestly couldnt even comprehend my own actions. Was it cause she was the coach i trusted so much? I miss playing in a team thats worth the sacrifice. Im not fit nor capable to be a captain. I dont even deem myself capable to be one, so how can i convince the others? Its tiring enough. Just one more month. Ya right, as if its just one more month.

I guess it was quite a good game for me. At least i know i tried within whatever i can do. Sometimes i really wonder, will there be any difference if i didnt like doing sports so much? Or if i continued gym? Or if i did some artsy/performance kinda stuffs instead? Probably i could really excel in those if i didnt like sports that much. Just why am i born so sickly if i liked sports so much? By believing in god I'll get my answer? I guess this is why i only half believe. Cause its all in the mind. When u have something to believe in, u work harder. And in return u'll get ur answer.

Sigh, i shall just focus on my own goals. And probably continue playing like today. And hopefully influence my teammates to follow suit. I really just want a team that i know why im working hard for. Somehow the reason of working hard for myself doesnt seem to work on me....

If u keep talking abt interpersonal skills, i dont see u're so self centered urself. By giving excuses that u have MANY sports to play, and ALOT of work to do and having ur own problems doesnt quite seem like having good interpersonal skills. Oh wait, thats having a mentally strong mind that doesnt give up easily. Dont take up so many commitments if u dont have the confidence in handling them. Probably cause u never had friends who dared or bothered to tell u such stuffs, thats why u feel offended now. If i really didnt control myself, i probably would have shoot my mouth off like how i would to protect my friend then. As usual, whats the use of explaining to ppl who alr think they're right? Tired, can dont play well. Sad can dont play well. Theres just SO MANY excuses ppl can make up. Its like im not a human. So i dont feel tired or sad or what? But so? Its a team game, u cant let anything distract u! Its unfair to ur teammates. What exactly do ppl take teammates for? I really wished such ppl were in solo sports instead. Why must i suffer cause of them...this is the last i swear. The last. I dont see a point in continuing if im no longer happy playing the sport i love so much. I no longer see the point in putting in so much effort for the sport i love so much. Just one more month. One more month of trying ur best. Hang in there pls...

为什么?
Saturday, July 04, 2015 2:31 PM

我真的不知道, 为什么自己是这样? 我真的很累很累。我不想继续了。我不想再打开了。我不想再受伤害。我真的受够了。每一次想打开后,又一次被重重的刺伤。我真的够累了。