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“Take up one idea. Make that one idea your life - think of it, dream of it, live on that idea. Let the brain, muscles, nerves, every part of your body, be full of that idea, and just leave every other idea alone. This is the way to success, that is way great spiritual giants are produced.” Swami Vivekananda
“Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.” Steve Jobs
“The truth is incontrovertible, malice may attack it, ignorance may deride it, but in the end; there it is.” Winston Churchill
If time turns back...
Sunday, February 24, 2013 12:34 AM

If time could return to my pri sch days, I dont even know if I would again choose to quit gym. I was so good at it yet I quit just because my parents wanted me to and my friends quit too. Should I really have done that? Actually, everything is just a question mark. There isnt anything sure and confirm unless u really do it.

I know I didnt regret taking up netball in p4. But somehow, its not the same anymore. The reason why I like it was because thats the only place I could be myself. The only place I was happy at. The only thing that gave me confidence. The only reason I lived on. The only place I could really relax.

But now? Not anymore. Its making me so stressed. So tired, so pain, so lost. I no longer feel confident in anything I do. And because it meant so much to me, once I dont perform well during games or trgs, I get so affected by it and I couldnt even do anything else. I have no idea if agreeing to play daisy tan this time cost me my only high chance of increasing my gpa.

I really dont know what I want to do anymore. Nobody I could talk to. Nobody I could ask abt. Nobody to turn to at all. Im really lost. On court and in life. My only goal is gone. I really dont know what I shld do. Im r really tired of disappointing ppl. Disappointing myself. I really had enough. Sometimes, I really wished someone could read this and tell me what I should do. I wanted to stop, but I know I really like playing. I like competing, but im tired of all these. Sometimes I dont even.know if im performing or what. Can I just train but not play?

I no longer understand why did I sacrifice all my time, energy and health to play netball. I clearly know I wont go far. I clearly no I have no future in that. But I really feel so hopeless, pointless now. Lost. I just dont know what to do now. No point telling my teammates/ppp who know abt netball. Cause probably they'll just find me annoying and I've been saying this for like ages yet I nv once did it.

Sigh...im sighing so damn much nowadays. Really, ever since im sick, nth is going properly. Yes, I do think im the weakest 19years old ever. Bad health and bad bones/joints. Why did I even like sports? Why cant I do something good at all?

Since I alr gave my word for playing enl. Maybe, just maybe and hopefully, it'll be my last time representing llabten. I've let down too many ppl. I no longer want this to go on. Just hopefully I could end this well. No stamina no hope in playing C at all. Cause its totally impossible. I know my body/limits too well. My legs wont take me to where I want to go. Its pointless.

K, I guess thats the end of ranting. So far, I havent found someone who took what I said seriously. But then again, I myself do not know if I'll really do it. Cause the passion is just there. I guess I should get like the most passionate about netball award. A hopeless soul who didnt achieve anything much but yet played for 10years. Not forgetting every year my standard deprove. To the extend, I think my coach alr gave up in me.

Just let my intern be a good start for me please?
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Never will be..
Tuesday, February 12, 2013 3:08 AM

Sometimes some stuffs are just so unpredictable/amusing. Like the person who u think will understand u best dont but yet the one who u least expect to, actually does.

K, what I just said actually doesnt make sense. K, let me just get to the point of this post lah. Before I forget what I wanna say or before the mood to type is gone.

Again, I realised I really cant forget abt it. Why? I really dont know. I seriously thought I would be able to get over it. But is this really getting over it? I doubt so. Yes, I can talk to ppl abt it. Yes, I can talk to ppl abt this topic. But when it comes to hearing them talk abt this topic, I just have the urge to ask them to shut up. And like, how did they even managed to talk abt such a topic to each other? And what rights do they have to even comment abt others? Things are just so ironic.

I really dono when I will actually accidentally blurt out what im thinking. Its really hard to keep it in. I wished I didnt understand. But its just impossible to pretend u dont understand that language when u clearly do. I understand languages fast, but when it comes to speaking, I just cant do it fluently. Unless ur speak in a language I dont usually listen to. Which I doubt ur know how to speak also.

Next thing, I cant even believe this myself. But I actually felt more comfortable at my dad's god bro's house rather than my own grandparents' house?! What nonsense is this? I just cant recall any moments whereby I was ever close to my grandmas. Maternal side dont even need to think. Paternal side cant really rmb, but I doubt it ever happened. Theres just this weird bond I feel with my god grandma and even my god uncle? Its just so weird. Maybe its due to all the kissing and carrying when im younger. I rmb how much I dislike going their house cause they always do that!! HAHAHA. But come to think of it, I only see them once a year but yet they'll do such a gesture. But my own grandparents/uncles? I dont see them often either. But I dont experience such things.

Actually, my image of a grandma is like her. Just maybe not the smoking part. Yes, she may be really naggy. But shes really concerned abt her kids and grandchildren. Yeah, I wont understand how is it like to be staying with grandparents. But I dare say if that actually happened to me, maybe I would be less lonely, maybe I would have one/two more person to care abt me, maybe I would be able to experience warmth I longed to have. I dont really know what is it like.

K, I think I just lost my mood to continue typing. I guess the reason why im more daring to type stuffs in this blog is because I know not much ppl is reading this alr. This is like a diary to me alr! Hahahah. Just fyi, even in my own handwritten diary, I wont make everything specific. Just for in case someone reads it-.-

One last thing, I have to admit im really really extremely stressed abt academics now actually. I may not appear to be, but im really worried/scared. I dont see how ppl can always tell me not to worry cause ur gpa is so good. Im sorry, not to say ur gpa is not good or whatever. But really, everyone has their own expectations and goals. If its 3.8, ok maybe it is really not bad. But now, im really worried I wont be able to pull it back up. Funny thing is, im not exactly doing anything to make myself less worried. Like by studying harder? I dono. Its really hard to push urself to do something u really dont like to. Dont ask me how I actually got good grades. Cause I really hate studying. Not boasting or whatever, but I really hate studying. But if I were to choose between work and study, actually, I'll choose study :/ basically cause u plan ur own time. U are ur own boss, besides marking the papers of course. I dont mind following orders, but I dont really like following timings. HAHAH. Year3 is coming up REAL SOON. Like what our teacher told us, after our last paper we can just close our eyes for 3sec, open and tell urself u're a year3 alr. I cant believe this too. It feels so fast. I dont feel ready. I think I slacked off too much for y2. Esp sem1. Taking studies too lightly I guess? Playing for club, going for games u arent even playing for, nsl, nations cup, trials. All these netball nonsense, oh yes, and not forgetting playing for sch too. So much to do and I agreed to it/went for it. What was I even thinking?! That im a super woman maybe. Able to juggle so many things and continue doing well for sch. And of course I was proven wrong. Wrong wrong move indeed. Sacrificing so much but what do I get in return? Nth actually. Ok, not exactly nth. Arghhh, ok whatever, it was my choice to begin with. Nobody forced me to. Cause I know I would be thinking abt it if I dont go anyway.

But no matter how strong I am/may look, I'm really really tired. I've been asking why did I enter this course. Why did I insist on poly? I guess its my results that making me feeling really inferior now. I could have graduated too. Its like whenever ppl ask where u studying at and if u say poly, ppl most probably dont give a damn anymore. Arghh, whatever, I dont wanna say so much alr, I know its just myself. So I got to prove this, poly kids can go uni too. And will be better. I really dono if I'll regret continuing sci course. Maybe I'll find out during intern. Yes, shall go whichever company in an open mind. Just maybe not ngee ann please? Tuas also better than ngee ann. I wont learn anything being a tso please.

Ok time to sleep. I guess I'll start studying later alr );
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