profile guestbook affiliations history credits
“Take up one idea. Make that one idea your life - think of it, dream of it, live on that idea. Let the brain, muscles, nerves, every part of your body, be full of that idea, and just leave every other idea alone. This is the way to success, that is way great spiritual giants are produced.” Swami Vivekananda
“Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.” Steve Jobs
“The truth is incontrovertible, malice may attack it, ignorance may deride it, but in the end; there it is.” Winston Churchill
Things changes...
Tuesday, February 18, 2014 1:15 AM

Life feels different now. Hahahah. Its only 1h into 'adulthood'. Nah, kidding. I think I was alr in adulthood since 2005.

Just somethings really made me realised more things. Always talked abt cherishing. But I guess I never did. Really nv did. Only up till today then I realised. But what exactly defines cherishing? I dont know.

Sometimes I realised not many, or perhaps none actually really knew/understood me. Im starting to feel perhaps I dont actually have any real close friends. On the outside we may look like we're close. But in fact, its just the outside. They only know my outside character. Not the real me. Cause they didnt bothered understanding.

I always feel that wishing makes a really big difference. I dont even care how u wish. But I do know some things make a difference to me. Now I know how important I am to my friends. I know which are because someone or smth reminded them. I dont expect much. I dont even care if I actually have any presents at all alr not. I just know even a short text means something to me now. Much less a longer text.

Only when u lose it, will u know the importance of it. I just feel like going back to my old self again. I no longer want to talk or open up. I dont even think anyone noticed the change. Im tired of trying. I really really just want to go back to playing netball and living life. I cant take it alr. Even though pri sch may have had my saddest memories. But I dont even mind going back. Cause its the most carefree period and being able to play netball three times a day without any restrictions. Its just laughter and more company.

Why cant I get it anymore. Im tired of being alone. But it just wont work.

I guess I finally faced it. On my birthday. A breakdown is the last thing I need.
BACK TO TOP

Sad...? Or...?
Saturday, February 15, 2014 2:50 AM

It's been awhile! I've no idea how I shld really be feeling now. Excited? Happy? Sad? Disappointed? Stress? I think my feelings now are so mixed up that I dont really know what im feeling. Really.

Many things happened. Really many things. I really dono who's reading this alr. But sometimes I really hope that whoever is still reading this, and able to understand, can help me to say the things I dont know how to say/explain/break to others.

The end of last year and the start of this year was horrible. Really horrible. I dono how I've been through that. But again I know nobody understood. Nobody knew what was going on. I guess thats how it feels like to have a chemical burn. Funny thing is, I didnt even know. Thats the thing. My pain tolerance is so high that I dont know what is pain anymore. I dont even know if one day I might actually die because I dono what's pain HAHAHAHAH.

I just know the sight is horrible and its mad itchy. The more I go through such things, the more I REALLY wanna help others. Help those who REALLY needs help. Not just those who can actually survive on his/her own but yet dont wish to or dont want to try to. I honestly despise such ppl. I really hate it when ppl think they're living in hell but they're no way near hell. They dont know how it even feels like. Nope, im not saying I do. Cause what I experienced is definitely not as much as what others really gone through. Yup, I may have gone through some physical and mental torture but its no where near those who go through it continuously everyday till the day they die. I cant imagine how I'll even be feeling if I had to go through those.

Actually im REALLY REALLY thankful that the physical torture was over. But who knows just one month later the mental torture is here....not as mentally breaking down as the one I experienced at a younger age. But still...

Seems like I can never have a smooth life. But whatever it is, im really thankful for all my closer friends.

And yet again, sometimes its so hard to know who I get even be comfortable with. Yes, I may have many closer friends. But no, I dont actually feel comfortable when im ALONE with them. When im comfortable, I know the friendship will last. Cause I wont be shy to ask u out HAHAHAHAH. So be glad when I do ask u out without hinting or whatever nonsense I'll do. HAHAHAHAHA.

Sometimes I really think im quite pathetic. Like I know that I know many ppl. I also know that I do have friends, closer friends also have. But sometimes I dont think anyone actually REALLY REALLY know what I liked. Besides things that I state or are very obvious. I really really like it when ppl take the effort to understand me. To guess what I like. Not by asking me what I need or what I want. No doubt I'll always be thankful for whatever u've done for me. And whatever I might have asked ur to buy (cause I really need them) Hahahah. Wait, I sound more like im describing a bf character I want HAHAHAHA. I believe I can find such friends too!! Hahahaha.

Many times I secretly wish someone know what to do to surprise me HAHAHAHA cause yes I know im not easily surprised. I'll only be if I dont expect, or I forgot. Not expecting is more possibly to happen than forgetting. Actually its VERY easy to surprise me. But im sure NOBODY knows. Hahahahah.

Sigh...sometimes I really ask myself, who will I go to when I need someone to talk to. I realised I really dono who to go to. Pri sch friends know my past, not many know my present. Sec sch friends that I keep in touch, knows more of my current. Poly, I actually dont have much friends HAHAHAH. Close once some know part of my past and definitely my current. Nobody really understand me except for the someone whom I recently started talking to again. HAHAHAHA. Its weird and awkward but I know who actually knew my character.

Its really heart warming to know that actually someone knew me. Yes, I do have closer friends as compared to the 'long lost close' friend. But its like as though only certain ppl know how I 'work'. No, I wont get affected by anyone when im alr sad. No matter how much u say wont enter my brain. Though im listening. Only one thing can make me happy or feel better- which is to make me laugh with whatever u can come up with. HAHAHAHA. and she NEVER fails to do it. She no longer have the ability to make me change my mind, but she seriously still have the ability to make laugh! So thankful to have her as a senior. And please, im not unstraight! Perfectly straight, and waiting for the right guy HAHAHAHAHA. I really need more friends like this in my life to make me smile more(:

But whatever it is, im still thankful to have my current bunch of close friends!(:
BACK TO TOP