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“Take up one idea. Make that one idea your life - think of it, dream of it, live on that idea. Let the brain, muscles, nerves, every part of your body, be full of that idea, and just leave every other idea alone. This is the way to success, that is way great spiritual giants are produced.” Swami Vivekananda
“Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.” Steve Jobs
“The truth is incontrovertible, malice may attack it, ignorance may deride it, but in the end; there it is.” Winston Churchill
Alone
Sunday, March 17, 2013 1:23 AM

I guess only now I truely understand why im alone. Cause I chose to do that. I can no longer trust whole heartedly. How to say? Its like u just feel like a burden?

Really hate some traits of mine. It can be really annoying at times. And yet at times those can be the most useful things ever. Such contradiction.

Whenever I just wanna be more normal, some other feeling have to just pop out. I guess things are just constantly changing. Im just afraid to face those changes. But I should alr be used to it.

Yeah, whatever. I live with my own theory. No point pestering someone when they alr changed. As long as u tried ur best salvaging, just let everything else go with the flow. At least letting things end normally is not as awkward when u see the person again. Theres no need to act. Acting is so tiring. Why cant ppl just be themselves? Be more straight forward?

Whatever, my life's been pretty screwed lately. Or maybe I should say even more screwed?
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I want to, but I can't.
Thursday, March 14, 2013 11:10 PM

Theres just so many things I want to forget but I just can't. Forgiving is just totally not what I can even do. Yes, I agree that I do bear grudges. But not long. UNLESS its smth that WONT happen to me and it actually happened.


Like erm, standing up for a friend and getting scolded instead. And erm, getting scolded for smth I didnt do/cant control. Both are by teachers. HAHAHAHA. And usually, such teachers are kinda widely hated. Just one exception I guess. I still cant understand. I dont expect u to apologise. But I do expect u to explain.


But whatever it is, its over. I do understand. But some things just wont change. Like how I will nv believe what u say. And how I wont really give a damn to u anymore. Once I dont respect someone, thats it. U would rather not talk to me. HAHAHAH


Actually, im really quite curious what could have changed if I decided some stuffs differently. Like not quitting gym, like changing pri sch, like splitting. I dono. Theres just so many things that COULD have happened. Thats just life isnt it? Some stuffs that u have control over and some stuffs that u can never control.


I kinda always hope I was an orphan instead. Even till now, this thought had nv changed. Sometimes I asked myself, what exactly is the thing that made me happy in life? Its so hard to answer myself now. Yeah, I may be thinking too much. But I dono, just thinking abt my life? Hahahah. It was netball then. But what abt now? Netball is just part of my life now. Something I cant get rid off ever. HHahah. But what is making me happy? That will still remain as a question mark for as long as I figure out what is it. I do hope I find my answer soon. If not....living in misery is no fun...


Alright, im really tired alr. Time to sleep.

Sometimes, I really wish there was someone I could talk to all the time and about everything. And not just abt some stuffs...
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Once again,
Sunday, March 03, 2013 12:17 AM

why am i doing this to myself? this kind of pain, i no longer know how much more i can take. can i just take a total break from it for one year?
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Answer
Saturday, March 02, 2013 10:33 PM

I guess i finally knew why i woke up crying after the op. cause i was scared. really scared. going into the op theatre alone. freaking bright lights and cold environment. it was like a whole new place. only when i was walking in then i truely realised i was going to have an op. yeah, it may not be something major, but i guess i was still scared. that i really do want to have someone with me.

how lonely it was the moment i regain consciousness. that feeling was undescribable. insecure is why i hate places that i dont feel comfortable/a route to disappear from. everyone thinks that im strong, i can take everything. but in fact, i really do want to show that im sad, afraid and needed help. no matter what i was feeling, i had to do whatever i was supposed to do. i cant stop and cant rest. everyone just thought that such things wouldnt happen.

but guess what? i've been through so much more things than what i expected. at such a young age. i dont know where i got the confidence and determination to pull through but i hope i can get it again. and truely get back up on my feet. i know i have alot of injuries, they cant be seen or to the extent ppl wouldnt believe im in pain. but i realised one thing, so what? so what if ppl dont believe? so what if i want to take a break from trg? it is my body and i should take care of it. and it is my passion. if i want to fake, i would have stopped long ago. i wouldnt even risk my own life to play. as i grow older, more problems come. yes, ppl may think im young, but my body, really isnt. i think i fall sick more than the age of ppl who think im young. and its not that i dont want to take care of myself. some things are just not up to me? or maybe i deserve it. whatever. i just know i really enjoyed my childhood. at least up to p5. i did what i wanted to do. play as much as i can. i guess i dont exactly regret? HAHAHAH.

yeah, whatever. i dont really know what im saying also. i guess i just dont ever want to go into the op theatre again. its just so lonely. only then u realised actually no one really cared for u to the extent of being there for u 24/7. not even ur own parents. thats what i learnt.

on a side note, i dont think my throat healed properly.  every now and then my throat is so i-dont-even-know-what-word-i-can-use that i kept wanting to puke. its like some kinda reflux. but i didnt even eat anything? and im not sick? and it isnt gastric reflux too? since i didnt have heart burn or anything? just purely that puking sensation. and after that 'action' i actually felt better. i dont even know what's wrong. and yes besides that, my skin is also have a very bad allergy reaction? ok, i dont even know if its allergy. everywhere is bleeding and pusing. yes, i scratch alot. hence, it explains my short nails. but apparently, i still have my ways to scratch. hahahahah. whatever, i guess im making myself sounds pathetic.

ok bye this is a waste of time. i should continue watching my shows. weekends are the ONLY days i can enjoy now.
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