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“Take up one idea. Make that one idea your life - think of it, dream of it, live on that idea. Let the brain, muscles, nerves, every part of your body, be full of that idea, and just leave every other idea alone. This is the way to success, that is way great spiritual giants are produced.” Swami Vivekananda
“Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.” Steve Jobs
“The truth is incontrovertible, malice may attack it, ignorance may deride it, but in the end; there it is.” Winston Churchill
Answers
Sunday, March 30, 2014 2:28 AM

Always hate nights like this. Its like I know I have things to settle, but I just refuse to face them. I just dont want to decide. Cause I cant bear to lose it.

Yes, netball is the thing that mean the most to me. Even my own life. But sometimes I really dont understand why am I doing this to myself? I always ask myself if its worth doing all these. But never once I had a real answer. Never once I faced it. I just tried to convince myself that its worth it cause I want it to be.

Im human too. I need affirmation. And even some encouragements sometimes. I dont want to assume anything anymore. This is why I can no longer go on. Im tired of always assuming this or that is what the coach thinks. I know its because of my lack of confidence. Or maybe my high expectations. I do not know. I just know I cant continue going on if I dont get my answers.

But yet I know I will never ask. Only when I finally find myself performing, will I ever dare to ask. But till then, will she even still rmb?

Sometimes, or maybe all the time. Hahahah. I really just wished someone would be nice enough to help me ask. This answer means alot to me. Really. At times I really dislike myself for looking up to her so much, for respecting her so much. To the extend it actually determines if I want to even still continue.

And yet again if she were to ever know this determines some stuffs, she'll just think that I shouldnt be thinking that way. I dono. Just why must I think so much?

I know how much I love playing netball. Yet again, I know how much pain it brought me. Nobody will ever know the mental and physical torture I have to go through in order to come this far. To play this long. Many times I wanted to give up. Even just trg. Now I know that no matter what, I want to continue trg. But I really dono if I can/will ever compete again.

I just wish I was more daring to ask her. I dont even know why even though I know I performed like shit, or will perform like shit, I still dare to ask puva. Why cant I just do the same? I guess because whatever she says, will have a very big impact on me. And im just to coward to face the fact that, it might jolly well be due to me just being too lousy to make it there.
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Just once...
Monday, March 03, 2014 2:57 AM

It's never easy putting up this front. Pushing everyone away. Yes, u still know me the best. I dont know if I'll ever meet anyone like this again. Someone that will be able to understand me. But its just not easy to change.

I dont want to push anyone away but I just cant. I just dono how. I really just want to say 'no, im not ok' for once. I just really wanna to show how im really like for once. I dont want to be strong anymore. Its really tiring.

I thought I was ok. I thought I could do it. I thought time could heal or at least fade away. But no, it'll never be the same anymore. Things will only change if I change. But how will I even change? I know I did change a little. But it isnt enough. Cause its all just a facade for everyone, including myself. Once I'm fully bottled again, everything will just come crumbling down again. And once again I've to pick myself up.

Just why in the world must life be like this?

I dont even wanna continue on alr....sometimes having friends to me are like non existence. Cause the only thing I do best is pushing ppl away....
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