Decipher the Story of My Life

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“Take up one idea. Make that one idea your life - think of it, dream of it, live on that idea. Let the brain, muscles, nerves, every part of your body, be full of that idea, and just leave every other idea alone. This is the way to success, that is way great spiritual giants are produced.” Swami Vivekananda
“Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.” Steve Jobs
“The truth is incontrovertible, malice may attack it, ignorance may deride it, but in the end; there it is.” Winston Churchill

Changes.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011 12:58 AM

k, this post READ AT YOUR OWN RISK(:

times flies and people change. and some changes, i really wish i could do something abt it. seeing people around me change yet i dont think i change much. sometimes, i really wish i was like them, being able to change into someone else. sounds like some movie right? but somehow i really wished i've changed. but seriously, asking ppl who know me super long alr, i think their ans would still be no? hahha. i would say im not as attached to sec sch ppl as pri sch ppl. perhaps im not in the same sch as long as pri sch? i dono. but yes, i am close to some sec sch ppl. k, i really dono what im saying. but somehow, im just always more affected by my friends from pri sch. it really hurts me alot seeing how much they changed. and somehow i just cant help it but to blame myself. if only i could handle friendships better. it really sucks. i really wish i could always be there to help them. if time could turn back, i would rather i didnt know them. but seriously, such things always happen. if i really didnt know them, will it be worst? i guess its just abt how i treat them. cherish, is really what u need to do in life. somehow being at the highest really make u an asshole. so what if everything is going smoothly? so what if u got whatever u want? so what if u're really happy? if u didnt know how to cherish them, it'll be gone in a minute. theres just so many things stucked in my head. but apparently, i just block them out. i rmb when i enter sec sch, i told myself to forget whatever things that happened in pri sch. i almost wanted to not contact them anymore. obviously, i couldnt. cause they're the ones that kept me going in those years. yeahh, no matter what happened or how much they changed, they'll always be the friends i trust and care for. i'll always be there to help them. sometimes, its really good to know that they didnt forget abt u. and u're the one they go to when in trouble. alright, everything is part of growing up. after typing and sorting out my thoughts everything just go back to normal. thats how im known isnt it? what ppl know abt me, to leave me alone. but they dont know the other side, and only they know(:

everything is just about trust. how much to trust someone and yourself. the world is getting fake, im starting to get confused or more like fake too? HAH. thats life isnt it? maybe not fake, but more of too tired to bother anymore. taking everything into ur own hands isnt easy. in poly, i learn to not bother things so that theres peace. im starting to feel that im going quieten down again. goodluck to ppl around me i guess. AHHA

Now, theres nothing left to do.
Sunday, August 28, 2011 1:12 AM

after exams, im totally free alr. i realised im really not that go out person. i mean, i have the freedom to go anywhere i want, until anytime and whatever. but i choose not too. in the past, i used to complain abt not having friends that could stay out or have their own freedom to go anywhere. but now, ppl ask me out i also lazy to go out zzz. k, but partly also because i didnt like the thing they're suggesting, so i rather not go? dont wanna go there and complain and spoil the fun.

so yeahh, after thursday's paper was freedom alr. HAHA. no more 埋头苦读, no more panicky feeling, no more stress. haiz, k, i also dono what i want. but nvm. i have to learn to enjoy this freedom of not having the need to do anything. when i really grow older, i doubt i'll ever have such luxury of long holidays anymore.

k, so i managed to not have netball/running/exercises for one whole week. its a bad thing and a good thing. HAHA. good thing is that i can finally rest my body. bad thing is, trgs are starting, meaning i need to get my stamina back!!! and worst thing is, im still sick :/ k, whatever.

this holiday, im really gona focus on netball. i dont want to always be saying but not doing. yeahh, having more trgs would help. yepp, no negative thoughts. should not, must not, cannot. its what thats affecting my play when im playing at diff place/lvl. ive decided. im not gona give a damn to whatever attitude ppl give me. i mean, it is natural to think negatively after someone scolds u or nobody wanna pass the ball to u or maybe its so freaking obvious that no one trusts u. im not gona care abt all those stuffs. if that means being alone, so be it. anyway, im born this way. besides, trust is not something to be given easily. i know i have to earn it. i dont know why did it became like this too. maybe cause the competition is up. but i know im not gona always sit out. i know im not gona always run for no reason. i know im not gona be the burden always. i know im not letting ppl push the blame to me anymore. no way am i being such a weakling. i dont care how much u scold me infront of everybody else, or whatever ppl think. this is the only way i can be stronger. im not gona let status/age affect me. i must do this. before the passion dies on me. i dont know how much longer i can keep this up. although yes, pesta im in. but so what? its just because of the rules u set. even if its not, im really glad u stuck to it. im really glad u gave me that chance. i do hope u saw the difference. 我知道努力不是光用嘴巴说的算。i honestly believe u know what kinda person im like. ok, whatever. i just know i have to work harder. i really hope everything goes well.

k, i dont wanna type any longer. its long enough i know. but somehow, no matter how long i typed, no one ever understood anyway. yeahh, its just for my own reference(:

i have a poisoned finger btw): hahah. random i know.

Sick):
Monday, August 22, 2011 12:05 AM

i was just wondering how come my body so good so long never sick. and apparently i was also thinking of using just recover from my illness as an excuse for something. HAHA. it is my first time thinking that way. but its just a passing thought lahh. AHHA. i wont use it. but seems like i HAVE to use it alr :/

my body is going through the 'flight or fight' mechanism thingy. unfortunately, my body choose to flight than to fight :/ perhaps im really too tired. i realised whenever im physically and mentally worn out, i get sick easily. even though i dont have the time to. and when i feel as though the biggest thing that is happening at the moment is over, i get sick too.

sometimes, im really amazed at how sickly i can get yet i love playing sports :/ life is just like that isnt it? the more u cant get it, the more u want to get it. only when u get the same illness/same weak body as me, then u'll know how hard it is to play sports in such a body. its the worst when u have an impt game and u freaking just recovered from pneumonia. all sorts of nonsense, i've been through. and survived apparently. i do know its dangerous. my mum always curse me saying later u die like those atheletes who are sick and continue running/competing. but whatever. doing something i like till i die is better than studying/lazing around till i die right? HAHAHA.

but yes, it makes me stronger. i wont let it be my excuse. but i will let it be my excuse for studying. HAHAHA. yes, and it sucks. cause i dont have time to study alr!!!! ochem is in 2 days time. bstats in 4 days time. ARGGGGHHHH. i just hope i dont collapse man. i mean like, wanna sleep. AHHAHA. k, wish me luck. i need to sleep now. tmr full force on ochem. siansation....

it sucks when u have an infected tonsils that awaits operation-.-

OVER~
Sunday, August 21, 2011 1:21 AM

yeahh, everything seem to have come to an end. after today's carnival, i really felt as though a big load was unloaded man. like seriously. i didnt know playing netball could bring so much stress to me :/ today was pretty much well. EXCEPT for the part when i was scolded as acting blur-.- seriously wtf. i so did not. why in the world will i want to act blur?!-.- but i do agree it helped me to focus on the game. cause i pretty much went on court feeling angry. feeling angry helps me to play to a certain extend.

and im kinda surprised with myself. her words does make an impact in me. apparently, i managed to kick the habit of jumping alr?! after doing it for 7 years? AHHAHA. amazing much. so many ppl told me to change but i couldnt or didnt really put in effort to change lahh. but now, i actually am not jumping alr? AHHA. and my 3 feet distance increased a little. HAHAHA. if u know how i play, u should know how my 3 feet distance is like. HAHAHA. i can still rmb how i didnt managed to control my own anger and it resulted in a super undisciplined game :/

so yeah, i managed to play once. finally i understood the meaning of gaining experience :/ somehow after ytd, i do feel her. but yeahh, shes just like me. its impossible to show more concern unless u're someone she trusts. no, more like unless she lets u in. i am really curious of what really happen. but no matter what, i really hope shes alright. seriously, i dont mind how much she scolds me and how much she accused me and whatever crap she vents on me at times, i just hope shes doing things that she like/love. but i really just hope that she could think of us for just this ONCE. shes the only reason why we went in. if shes gone, why will we be there?

kk, enough of nonsense. my laptop's batt's gona die and im lazy to charge. HAHAH. so no grandma story. long enough alr. HAHAH. yeahh, anyway two more papers. i cant wait to finish all this shit. and focus just on trgs. HEH. i just want to improve. but i feel like im having holiday alr. HAHAH. kk, need to refocus and start studying tmr morning again)));

its not easy being alone.

exams exams exams):
Monday, August 15, 2011 11:38 PM

Whenever exams are near, my emotions fluctuate. And it sucks now cause theres more than just exams. Now i understand why schs stop trgs at least 2 weeks before exams :/ worst thing now is that theres no one to help me. Arghh.

Things aren't going smoothly :/
1:41 AM

k, i'll make this post quick. i suppose. ytd i had alot of things to type/say/rant and whatnot. but after ytd, everything's gone. AHHA. hide/running away/escaping or maybe i've got over it, i dono. i guess this is just me. like how some ppl who know me better know how to leave me alone when i dont feel right. somehow, yes, i would like ppl to do the opposite at times. but i do admit that so far nobody could take up that job. cause it means u have to be more stubborn than me, which is quite hard....

k, so yes, im over with all those nonsensical feelings alr. im tired of feeling sad/angry/frustrated/confused/pathetic and whatever shit. i would rather not feel anything alr. like what some ppl keep telling me, perhaps im really am just thinking too much. what for think so much? its not like thinking helps to give u the answer. asking does, but i doubt i would do that.

maybe yes, i am young, i may be very inexperienced as compared to the others. in fact, i do know im not as good. thats why im forcing myself to be like them. perhaps i am really too hard on myself. but even if i dont compare myself with them, its just hard for me not to compare myself with ppl of the same age. but yes, get over with comparing. ultimately, the toughest opponent is urself. u dont pass ur own stage, u'll never improve whatmore think of playing like them. so all i have to do now is focus on what im lacking and improve on them. actually, thinking on the bright side, other than attacking, my defending is still somewhat ok. didnt get much scoldings for my defending. i mean like, obviously still can improve, but at least i didnt screw my defending up. attacking is just the major part that i kept getting scolded for.

k, im quite lazy to continue. ppl who i bother to talk to abt such stuffs would alr know.

just one last note. i seriously don't want to see such an expression anymore. it hurts more than not being in the team. im tired of always saying i'll try my best but i still end up like shit. im tired of seeing disappointed faces. im tired of not being trusted. im tired of being sucha loser. im not hard on myself. i just want to achieve something again. its not the status/championship or whatever nonsense that i want. its the trust and the occasional compliments thats the best reward/acheievement. i hope that that expression and all those disappointments will keep me going. still the same sentence i've always been saying- i'm not giving up just yet! including my studies. HAHAH

busy busy busy..
Tuesday, August 09, 2011 12:01 AM

AHHAH. the tittle sounds like phineas and ferb!! k, i dont watch that show, but theres advertisements!!! HAHAHA.

k, so....i've been rather busy? cant really rmb what i wanted to type alr. AHHAHA. last week was the end of projects. felt super super relieved. until i realised that ochem QUIZ is on MONDAY, which is today!!! and i havent started studying then lahh. but luckily i managed to finish study in time? somehow in time lah huh. yeahh, cause friday and thursday was trg. so ya, very lazy and tired to study. so obviously i'll sleep in for saturdays. k, when have i actually not sleep in late. HAHAHAHHA.

k, so yeahh, stupid cbio practical and ochem quiz is finally over today!! practical was REALLY REALLY DUMB. i swear. seriously. its called PRACTICAL, but theres only ONE station which need PRACTICAL SKILLS-.- lame shit. like out of 5 stations? its alr like a theory test lohh please-.- damn stupid. and stupidly, i have no idea how to extract the white strands of DNA into the microtube without putting any solvent in the microtube? like after u take out, U CANT EVEN SEE THE WHITE STRANDS!!!! hahaha. k, this is for looking at lab manuals too much :/

k, then ochem quiz is super arghhh. yeahh, this is for not being very prepared i guess? methoxybutoyl chloride become methoxybutyl chloride): the o makes a very big diff!!! ARGHHHH. then my reaction i never add in acid also!!! AHHHHHHHH. k, but i wont fail lahh. thats a good thing?

k, lets talk abt last fri trg. o.O i keep using k. HAHAHA. yeahh, last fri trg was better. finally im not scolded? i still hear my name lahh. but at least shes not shouting? finally she realise what is called u can walk over to tell me. AHHAHA. no lahh, maybe cause i tried to change my mindset. i mean like, dont care whether i get scolded or if im the youngest or if i'll be embarrassing myself or whether i'll break the flow or whatever. just try my best, put in my best efforts and everything will go smoothly.

actually, come to think of it. she didnt really always scold me. ya, before enl selections period it was ms choo training us. and obviously i wont get scolded. no, more like, she dont scold ppl. then after that was ms huang. i didnt get scolded either. it was after selections until i felt like crap therefore played like crap then i got scolded? i dono why, but it seems like this is how she communicates/train me? it is my first time and i must say i was really really depressed previously. but somehow, i guess i picked myself up again? yeahh, its the i dono how many times i did it alr. but my determination isnt strong enough to keep me going for a long time. and then i'll fall again :/

i seriously have no idea if its just me thinking too much or that it is that way. ok, i have no idea how to put it in words too. i mean like, i see her talking to players/telling them/scolding them and everything. and obviously its those better players, those that she kinda like better? i did get the talking before. because everyone had to go through that. apparently, i was the last, and the most actions? k, i dono how to say. but i dono. i guess all coaches just think that im erm, a thinking player? and that i get things fast and i dono what. but i guess they missed out a part about me. i may look like i get it, but actually, i may not. how to say? its just like studying actually. i dont have to understand things to get it right. i just have to know and rmb them? k, ya, it is true that somehow do long alr i will understand lahh. but aiya, i dono lahh. all coaches just give me this feeling. sometimes i really just wish to ask too.

kk, i shall jsut stop talking about such things. before i get depressed or smth again. AHHAHA. somehow, i really just hope committment wasnt a criteria to get into the team. to me, committment isnt a goal, it isnt something hard too, cause it is a must. maybe because im still young and free(AHHAH) thats why i do not have much committments. but i do believe in this - u make ur own decisions, u choose ur own path. u decide to make urself busy, it obvious u have to sarcrifice something. so now, its a matter of what u wanna sarcrifice. either, dont make urself busy or have committment probs lohh. its as simple as that. but yes, it isnt just abt sarcrificing other things. it about sarcrificing ur time and life too actually. but not that much of life lah huh. abit exaggerated. HAHAHA.

so, i really did hope i didnt get in by chance. but i do think so that thats the way it works. but anyway, i would rather deceive myself and believe that its a chance u give. and i would definitely try my best not to disappoint u. i believe i understand how u work ur team alr. based on PESS last last year, i believe i do know ur combi somehow. esp when u say top3. i knew this would happen. but this time, i would look on the bright side. at least im given a chance. yepp, im mentally prepared. obviously, this doesnt mean i'll slacken off. i'll still try my very best. who knows the chemistry MAY BE there and u decide to let me play? maybe they'll come to trust me? or that i'll come to trust myself too. i really just wanna do my best to prove that u didnt believe me wrongly in the past.

STOP SAYING YOU'LL TRY YOUR BEST BUT YOU END UP LIKE CRAP. ACTION SPEAKS LOUDER THAN WORDS. STOP BEING SUCHA WEAKLING, NOBODY LIKES WEAKLINGS. PUSH YOUSELF FURTHER. YOU CAN BE WHATEVER YOU MAKE UP YOUR MIND TO BE.