profile guestbook affiliations history credits

“Take up one idea. Make that one idea your life - think of it, dream of it, live on that idea. Let the brain, muscles, nerves, every part of your body, be full of that idea, and just leave every other idea alone. This is the way to success, that is way great spiritual giants are produced.” Swami Vivekananda
“Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.” Steve Jobs
“The truth is incontrovertible, malice may attack it, ignorance may deride it, but in the end; there it is.” Winston Churchill

hmm, its been months since i've last post right? yeahh, the whole blog is dead cause i removed the tagboard too. cause the spamming stuffs are too irritating. so ive decided to just remove the whole thing.

k, lets have some updates. Os was somehow somewhat terrible in some way or another. HAHAHA. contradicting right? HAHAHH. k lahh, its over anyway. whether or not i'll be crying or laughing or whatnot will all be in a months time anyway.

so after Os was obviously going out and netball-ing. both was rather a failure. HAHA. ok, in some ways. shopping was obviously a NO thing for me. cause my legs just COULDNT stand all those walking. but at least i've bought some clothes. HAHAH. and specifically, just two shirts. ultimatum. but i've got myself a laptop though! HAHAHA. this is the happy part.

netball wasnt really good though. lets talk about the latest one. jac and i joined their camp and it was quite disastrous for us. yeahh, not a very good memory. AHHAHA. partly was because the slping part was REALLY REALLY REALLY VERY VERY bad. camp was from thurs to sat. thurs i slept only around AN hour. amazing much? but i've slept MAYBE ard 2h in the afternoon that day? why i say maybe is bcause it didnt felt like slping at all. i was up every hour checking the time-.- and i was slping on the table?! like those during lesson that slping style. then fri was better abit. i guess it was because i didnt slp the day before. so i slept ard 2h. and amazingly, i survived the saturday's game.

it was quite a challenge mentally. to keep myself awake in a boring situation. like seriously boring and weird feeling. like those boring umpiring. besides, im not even good at umpiring. have to like overcoming those mentality of being watched and being judged. its not a very good feeling yknow. esp if someone kinda reprimand u after that. ok, its not really a reprimand. but like duhh, i obviously know im not a good umpire. whatmore im NOT EVEN a qualified one. if u scold after me being qualified, i obviously wont mind. but when im not, its diff. if u say its because i've got 7years of netball experience. thats even more not the point. cause playing and umpiring is diff!! u try it urself lahh. asshole. ok, another boring part was the not able to join their trgs part. k, blame it on myself lahh.

sat game was rather terrible. i wont use VERY though. cause i do think that the WD part was alright. wasnt expecting ALOT from myself cause i havent been playing for at least 3months? but everytime i think abt it, i feel that its because the WA wasnt performing. i dono. its been years since i feel that the game i played was satisfying after the game. i mean like, after the game, u think about how u perform, it isnt good lahh. not even a i've-tried-my-best feeling is there. so my sec sch netball was really very terrible. dont feel happy at all.

sometimes i dont really know if im expecting too much from myself. my own performance. i really dont know. sometimes i really wanna ask the coach, but its like so far yet so near. omgoossh. its like really. i think she'll just give me a stern face and say im lousy. HAHAH. i think now i really know how ppl feel abt talking to me alr. i wonder if she has the same feeling. HAHAHHA. but impossible, shes the coach im the player. how on earth would she even have the feeling.

so yahh, C was horrendous. ohh, and i realised its really ONE year since i've played that position. yeahh, cause i just saw the hk trip booklet. i wrote down that i played C was TERRIBLE ALSO. and my face burned up. its was the EXACT feeling on sat. i went into the toilet. and i was like ' OMG, HOLY SHIT, MY WHOLE FACE IS WHITE. I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND THE OPENING ARTERIES NEAR THE SKIN THING ALR. TOTALLY TRUE. RED LIKE FUCK PLS.' at that point of time i was like, i rather be white now. AHHAHAHHA. cause it was really red. like i just ran 1000km. HAHAHA. though i would nv know the feeling of 1000km. HAHAHHA. i think i would just be in the hospital. HAHAH.

C was really terrible. the first thing i step onto the court with the C bib, i was like, everyone's looking. what on earth am i gona do now? then another voice, no, u have to show her u can do it. show urself too. then few minutes pass- u're the ultimate failure. u always are. then, no, i have to do it. so the thought of holding time went off. i told myself, at least finish it. but now, come to think of it. if i called for time, the team would have performed better? i dono. but one thing is for sure- im being looked down upon AGAIN. its obvious. really obvious. at the start, it was still rather ok. cause i didnt perform really badly. but i know my supporting was quite bad. then at the end, the slighest good impression was gone. all gone. yeahh, i guess no one would understand how i feel.

i really feel like an ultimate failure. cause my life only revolves around netball and netball only. i mean like, look at myself. other than studying whats next? netball only right? see now, after Os, its back to netball. and netball in a worst state. cause i dont even have trg. what more a team or a coach. okk, i mean i totally have no life. then lets talk about having friends. yeahh, i feel empty. talk about living on earth for 16 close to 17 years. schooling for years too. pri sch friends, in contact. but obviously they wouldnt really be there for me when i need them. but they're always there when i wanna go out with them(: sec sch, i dont really know how to say. dont really have one to the extend that we'll be msging everyday. k lahh, thats not really the definition of good friends though.

k, sometimes i also dono how to say. i think its just myself lahh. cause im not those socialable type. so even if ppl ask me to go out, if theres netball, i'll decline everything else. okk, i dont feel like explaining anymore.

lets just sumarise everything now. i'll be working hard. cause i no longer want to see those disappointed faces. i want to see that when my coach talks about me in front of others, she'll be proud being my coach (if she actually talks about us?). i want to be trusted ON COURT. i dont want to just be a player on court taking up the position cause there's no one to play them. i want to show them/myself that i did not waste my time playing netball.

see, everything's on netball again. but doesnt matter. i know what makes me happy. though its also what makes me sad too. but im gona work hard towards this goal. i swear i am. 我并不想只是纸上谈兵罢了，我想做给每个人看，尤其是我自己。失败惯了现在连成功都不知道是什么了。

k, the point of reopening my blog is kinda to let me have somewhere to say type. partly is because i know somehow somewhat, SOMEONE will definitely see them. cause globalisation. HAHAHA. im definitely not attracting attention. cause even if u really read through them, do u really understand what i meant? what i really meant? even if u understood, do u think u'll be able to make me feel less miserable? i doubt anyone could. that is why i NEVER tell anyone much abt something. neither am i trying to try my luck, to see if the 当事人 would one day see them. cause i know it doesnt make a difference. even if it does, i wouldnt accept the change. cause i told myself, i will do it this time. no relations nothing. just plain talent and effort. wish me luck ppl. to overcome the laziness. if better, work hard with me!(: