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“Take up one idea. Make that one idea your life - think of it, dream of it, live on that idea. Let the brain, muscles, nerves, every part of your body, be full of that idea, and just leave every other idea alone. This is the way to success, that is way great spiritual giants are produced.” Swami Vivekananda
“Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.” Steve Jobs
“The truth is incontrovertible, malice may attack it, ignorance may deride it, but in the end; there it is.” Winston Churchill

sometimes i really wished i wasnt that mature, wished i wasnt that independent, wished someone would actually worry for what i do, wished someone really understood what i wanted, wished i wasnt even myself. theres just so much i wished for. but never once did they come true. never once did i wish them on my birthday too. cause it was always for others.



i've been thinking, for the past 7 years i've been playing netball. with this year as the 8th year, never once did my coaches told me stuffs to encourage me. okk, i thought of it because today was a really ...... day. i dont really know how to explain. but seeing them receiving those messages, it made me felt even more guilty, even more sad. its just mixed feelings. i dont know if she or anyone even know how im feeling. but i know i'll be alright. i guess this is why nobody ever really bothered abt me. cause they know its useless comforting me. i know its just myself to blame. but this is worst, i need an even longer time as compared to making myself stronger. i hate myself for it, but i really cant bring myself to trust others.



okk, lets go back to netball. on a lighter note, even though they dont really encourage me, all i need to know is that they trusted me. so i didnt waste my 7years afterall. yes, cause all those actions accumulated beats just that msg. HAHAHA. ok, yes, im just jealous alright. and yes, i believe everyone knows how im like. i mean like my character and stuffs. i do believe that its because of my character thats why my treatement is always so mature-like. none of my coaches ever bothered to explain to me stuffs, cause they know i'll understand. like seriously, i really realised that. and they know that when i dont understand, i'll ask. and thats a very rare sight in class. cause i NEVER once did that. or perhaps its because of how i react to them when they speak to me. maybe i should act blur next time. HAHAHA. i mean like, when they start talking, i alr know what they gona say later on. i hate knowing that too.



its like in sec3 when theres that compulsory PTC thingy. before reaching the classroom, i told my mum 'later the teacher is gona talk abt me being anti social'. and guess what? that was the exact thing he said-.- and my mum, being as straight forward as ever said 'yes, i know, my daughter told me that before we reached' i was like staring at her thinking, you dont have to say it to him right? damn, shes always like that.



lets go back to netball. HAHAHHA. okk, yes, im always dwelling on my primary school experiences. and i really dislike it when im like that. its like im always comparing things to primary school time. ppl say sec sch life will be the happiest. but no, i think pri sch is better! maybe its diff for others. cause i had a really hectic pri sch life. and i like that. HAHAHA.



yeahh, so im gona type in chunks again. HAHAHA. this dont need read one lahh hor. cause im repeating my story again. HAHAHA. its about netball, duh!



yeahh, so, have u experienced a time when u're always the main 7 till one day u got benched for no particular reason and then ur tic actually asked the coach to put u on court in a VERY crucial game? where do u find so great/wonderful(i have limited vocab) teacher in charge? i really really really appreciate what she did for me. really alot. even though i have no idea how to contact her now. and i doubt i have that courage to tell her thankyou even though i really want to say it to her personally. the best way to thank her is to not let her down. but i've been such a let down to everyone. i still rmb how she cared for me when i fell. insisting that i get my bandage changed and not do pe and to sit on a chair in assembly instead of the floor. but i didnt listen to her. HAHAH. only for sitting on the chair lahh. AHHAHAH. i insisted that i'll be treated equally the same. so i sat down on the floor before she managed to pull me away. i cant do pe cause she was my pe teacher. HEH. oh man, i really really miss those time. i hope shes doing real well now. and having a coach who trusted u so much as to change u into a gd even though u're totally short for that position. i like it when my coach trusts me. i also thank her for trusting me so much. and yes, i didnt disappoint her when she was still coaching me. HAHAH. i still have her cow, though its quite black alr. hehe. that is really the best present ever. i mean like, plus what she said before giving presents. HAHA. i can still rmb. and i really hope i'll do it again. soemtimes, though i really dono what they're thinking. whether or not its just my own one-sided thinking, but i really thank all of them for whatever they did for me. actually, even puva. though i admit, i really really dislike her alot last time. i rmb how our whole team prayed VERY VERY HARD to hope she isnt our coach after ms choo left us. but OMG, she is-.- we didnt like her at the start. but soon we got used to it. and yes, i dont dislike her alr. even though she was the one who benched me from nationals, she still taught me stuffs. though i dont thank her for not trusting me and benched me instead. but i thank her for making me strong. for forcing me on court to finish the four quarters even though i had ZERO confidence and HUNDRED nervousness to the extend that i had asthma attack on court. to put me on court even though my knee was bleeding like mad and i was limping too. to force me not to limp on court. cause i was weak then. that amount of blood and pain to me at that time was really overwhelming. i thank her for making me stronger. cause now, i no longer feel pain when i fall and scrape my knee. i just need a little time and the pain and limp is GONE. i just dont like that blood policy thingy. i cant forget it till now)); though the reason for benching me is really dumb, i still thank her. kk, all these sounds as though im like a pathetic soul now. yes, i admit, i am a pathetic soul now. like seriously. whatever i do never goes right. sec sch netball is the worst. i feel really really sorry and guilty for disappointing them. even though they may not know, but i really feel bad. BUT i do know i cant keep feeling this way. so im changing all these negative feelings into strength to let me persist. i've got to keep going. i got to thank them by showing their trusts are right. and for those who didnt trust me, i'll show them they're wrong. though i dono when that day will come. but i'll keep on trying. anyway, its the only thing that kept me living.



theres so much to say. but no one to tell.



ok, i really do think i have insomia or smth. and it kinda sucks. it kinda affects my daily life. but its not those extreme kind i think? i sleep late and now it kinda became a habit? i cant sleep before 1am now)); then i cant sleep till noon now. not that its noisy or smbody waking me up. just that something in me just keep waking me up. feeling insecure or smth. everytime i wake up, i look at the door. i just dono why i keep feeling that something's gona happen. and im really scared. my right eye keep twitching. and its not a good thing. u may think im too superstitious. but im not. cause everytime my right eye twitch something bad really happens. bad to me lahh duh. and because i dont have enough sleep, i forget things fast. my reaction will be slower. i get agitated easily. i dono lahh. i can only have a good rest in the afternoon. but i think that sleeping is a waste of time. though i have alot of time now. i still find it a waste of time. i dono why. sucks man. and yes, i just forgot what i wanna say-.-



arghh sucks. even friday extreme workout doesnt seem to work alr. dieeeeee lahhh. even working my body to the extreme doesnt work. arghhhhhhhh. i need to get my biology clock back to the correct time. fuck, i forget what i wanna say again!!!! FORGET IT. IM NOT BLOGGING UNTIL MY BRAIN GETS BETTER.