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“Take up one idea. Make that one idea your life - think of it, dream of it, live on that idea. Let the brain, muscles, nerves, every part of your body, be full of that idea, and just leave every other idea alone. This is the way to success, that is way great spiritual giants are produced.” Swami Vivekananda
“Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.” Steve Jobs
“The truth is incontrovertible, malice may attack it, ignorance may deride it, but in the end; there it is.” Winston Churchill
Change of perspective...
Wednesday, July 17, 2013 1:13 AM

I think the more posts I have here, the more pathetic my life is. like since when has my life been smooth sailing or even have some happy occasion? hmm, I guess I need to be more appreciative of things. all small little things. actually I do. good things that ppl did for me, i'll rmb them for life and will do whatever it takes to repay them. but bad things that happened to me and caused by others, im really sorry but i'll rmb them for life too. I guess that's just me. separating things very clearly.

its time to change my perspective, my mindset and my goals in life I guess. ppl used to ask me what goals I have. I realised that as time goes by, my goals start to disappear. cause im so focused on just one thing, I missed out so many other things. sometimes I really asked myself, it is really worth it? is it really worth all these sacrifices? is it really worth risking my life? I know deep down, this is all I have actually. im nothing without netball. but its time to live without it. cause it wont keep going. now the question is, how do I want to end it? do I want to end it happily or sadly? its all up to myself to choose. yes, like what ppl always tell me, theres nth I can do if my coach doesn't want to put me on court. yes, I may not respect puva as much as ms huang that's why I dare to keep questioning her decisions. I know its not right for a player to do that. as much as I don't want to question her, I just want to know the truth. I don't need lies to cover up for how lousy I am. I don't question the coach for who they put on court because I think im good. I asked cause I want to know what's with my play that don't deserve to go on court or even stay on court. I know it myself that im not a very good player. I have many flaws that's obvious. but everyone is the same. just of what we're better at.

I don't want to think so much about such stuffs anymore. im tired of being curious. im tired of always wanting to know the answer. im also tired of always guessing the answer correctly. its just like I know exactly what the coach is going to reply me but yet I just want to try my luck to prove that im wrong. the thing with how my brain works is that I think way too much. I think of all possibilities that the coach can answer me. which obviously make one of the answer right. I don't know why im stating things so clearly now. i guess its because not much ppl is reading this alr. and i no longer want to care who is reading this. anyway it doesn't matter anymore.

the last thing i can do for myself is to end this whole season on a happy note. i don't know how much court time i can get this polite. but i know one thing, i don't want to walk out of court feeling any bit of regret if i went on court. and so far, even though its only one game and I only played one quarter, when i asked myself, i actually don't feel any bit of regret. not that im using being sick as an excuse. yes, it is true that i wasn't very tight with my own player. but that's only for lobs. ok, not that im finding excuses for myself. arghh, ok, i want to stop being so hard on myself ok? before i get depression or smth!! hahaha. ya, ppl who know how to say such things wont get depression, so don't worry. hahahaha. its my play anyway. ya, it may not be good. but its my own body, and i really do felt like i did what i could do alr. im proud of my own body for not giving up. really. i know its not easy to keep going when im alr this sick. but luckily, i really did have myself properly psyched up ytd. glad that i did that. cause one of the enl game, i really lost it. not psyching myself up and gave up halfway. even gave up my right as a captain that game.

so...this shows that i can do it again(: i know i can. and i will. i will last through the quarters when im allowed to play. and i will play like its my last game, giving my all, walking off court without regrets. don't let anybody esp the coach affect my mood and my play. and obviously, the only way not to let her affect it is by not caring so much abt it. change my way of thinking. or even change my goal for this season. to play my best when im given the chance and to still fight for the chance if i think im better. yup, it is still part of me to fight for it. HAHAHHAHA. the change is that i will teach what i know to help the team. but obviously, some things i really cant change nor teach. and that's chemistry. if the other player feel that i can work better, i really dono how to change that. the only thing i can help is to say 'trust the ppl u play with'. seriously, sometimes i dono how my voice/words can actually change something. its quite amazing to me sometimes, really.

so many ppl actually find 'calm' in my voice. but yet i myself don't. neither have i found anybody who have such effect on me. i seriously wonder why. arghhh, whatever, so i should use that gift to help ppl. HAHAHAHA. sound like magic. HAHAHHAHA. alright, hopefully everything goes well and i come back here with good news. HAHAHAHHA
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