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“Take up one idea. Make that one idea your life - think of it, dream of it, live on that idea. Let the brain, muscles, nerves, every part of your body, be full of that idea, and just leave every other idea alone. This is the way to success, that is way great spiritual giants are produced.” Swami Vivekananda
“Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.” Steve Jobs
“The truth is incontrovertible, malice may attack it, ignorance may deride it, but in the end; there it is.” Winston Churchill
everything seems so screwed up...
Tuesday, July 16, 2013 12:22 AM

life sucks, really. nothing is going well. family sucks, school's rubbish cause i didnt get the scholarship cause of netball so the vicious cycle starts, u see. what else sucks? friends? yeah, im like friendless. nobody have the power to affect me anymore. whatever they say cant persuade me. i no longer have such friends i realised. i know its annoying to hear me keep talking/niaming abt netball. but guess what? it had been something that kept me going for 9 years. how long is that do ur even understand? the only thing i survived for. im not even exaggerating a single bit. i need someone to be able to tell me whats going wrong with me. i need someone to tell me that i suck and i should just stop. just stop thinking that im actually good and still worth something on the team. im really tired to keep going through this process over and over again everytime theres a competition. do u even know how tiring it it? how tiring to keep urself positive when in fact u totally feel like a goner? how tiring it is to keep a straight face like as though nth happened?

nth is really going well. im no longer happy at all. nth...im empty without netball but yet im not even good at it. im goal-less, motivation-less. i dono what. everything is just so negative. i really really just want to know whats wrong with my play. what exactly are my coaches thinking? i dont want to stop playing actually, but im tired. tired of being non-exsistent even though im on court. even though im in the team. am i even doing it right? why am i in the team? why was i capt? why why why? theres so many qns. sometimes, i really hope someone can see this and help me ask. i do want a reason to continue. but im so tired of all these. sometimes i really just want to go up  to my coaches to tell them straight in the face what exactly do they want me to do?

or maybe i myself know what im supposed to be doing alr but im not. see, thats me. everything is just my fault. no matter how well or how badly i played. everything is just me. ever since p5 i really no longer felt that i played any game well. i just want to feel good abt playing on court again. to enjoy the game, the competition. i dono. yes, its not totally the coach fault. ya, i wasnt given a chance to even 'warm up' cause i wasnt even the one she wants on court. but if i played well then. it might have changed her decision. sucks, i really hate myself. but i really dont think i played that badly to the extend that i should be taken off the court right at the next quart? at least give me one more quarter? i was still tight what! i cut off the WA as an option totally, just wasnt close enough for the lobs?! really dont get whats so annoying abt my play zzzzz

why cant she just let me off this once? u want to see me next year also wont have chance alr lah. just let me play properly and fairly for once really will kill u? i really really just want to play a good game again. honestly. its the last thing i want to do before i end my netball life.

please give me the determination and perseverance to go on again. but im really glad i persevered through the first quart today. i was totally not in a good health at all to play. pneumonia and im still on court running. sometimes im really proud of myself. always trying my best to play. although i know its still not good enough. but if im not that hard on myself, it would have been a nice pull through there. im very sure others wouldnt last one day in my body. but still, sadly, GOH ROCHELLE, U'RE STILL NOT GOOD ENOUGH!!!! come on!!!! u can do better than this!!!! move ur freaking feet and show her u ought to be on court when u're given the chance to!!!!!! COME ON MAN!!!!!! u have to do this!!!!!
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