Decipher the Story of My Life

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“Take up one idea. Make that one idea your life - think of it, dream of it, live on that idea. Let the brain, muscles, nerves, every part of your body, be full of that idea, and just leave every other idea alone. This is the way to success, that is way great spiritual giants are produced.” Swami Vivekananda
“Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.” Steve Jobs
“The truth is incontrovertible, malice may attack it, ignorance may deride it, but in the end; there it is.” Winston Churchill

One long season, many lessons learnt.
Wednesday, August 07, 2013 3:10 AM

I guess this is going to be a long post. so read at ur own risk I guess? or more like, I no longer know/care who is reading this blog. so im just posting for the sake of memories. reading back on the things I've typed.

The team that I led for the first time ever and may also be my last in my 10 years of netball life. Meant a lot to me. Though I may not know the exact reason for it. But I'm still thankful I could actually still make a difference. Instilling more discipline, seriousness and the determination to work hard in many of them. It's not easy leading a team, especially a team that's really quite young. Much less I'm not someone who like to talk or even be in the center of attraction. I guess it somehow taught me presentation skills too HAHAHHA always having to think of what to say constantly before every game or even messaging each and every one of them was really not easy. I'm just glad that they appreciated it. Yes, we may not have won anything, but like what Ms Huang always taught us - "Winning is a bonus. What matters most is the process." True that my own process was definitely not a good one. But for many of them, they grew into a better player and hopefully also a better person? HAHAHA at least in front of me, they're a better person HAHAHAHHA I'm just happy for them. For myself, I really have nothing much to say already. It's always the same. I'm already so sick and tired of performing this way. I guess I really gave up. I no longer want to continue trying hard.

And after the 1 month plus long ENL season, it was finally the last POL-ITE season for me. It was really quite a tough season. Mentally draining cause ENL was a mental torture for me. HAHAHA ya, my process was a mental torture. Physically draining cause I have up to 5/6 times training a week. Yes, my week also only have 7 days like normal people. Many people asked me how I managed, to me, if there's a goal, anything is possible. With determination and perseverance, I know I'll pull through. Luckily, it was my intern period. At least I only had to work and go for training after that. Yes, it is still very tiring. But at least at the back of your mind you wouldn't be thinking that you have to study for a test tomorrow or that you have some assignment due the next day. That's why sometimes I really hate it when people from club just keep saying how tired they are from working. When they don't have to bring the work back home to do. So what about those studying?

Ok, so POL-ITE was great I guess? I guess it's one of the most satisfying games I had since upper secondary. Though I may not have played much. But it was really my first time stepping out of court without feeling any regrets. Besides the TP and maybe NYP's game. I know it myself that I'm a substitute, that my coach doesn't trust me enough, that I'm not tall enough or maybe not good enough too. I know I may just get swapped out after one quarter of playing. So I told myself I have to give it my all and I FINALLY did it. After telling myself for how many years? AHHAHAH not forgetting the fact that I was really very sick then. Glad that I didn't let it affect me that much. Seems like stamina is still everything eh?

It is true that victory is sweet. But if you've never failed, how sweet can your victory be? Yes, I am competitive by nature. But I do not mock people who lost, who failed. Cause I was one a failure, a loser too. It was quite upsetting somehow that my club teammate thought I was mocking her. Never will I ever do that. Cause I really failed too many times.

This team proved to me that real true bonding still exist. Proved that a bonded team definitely play better than a team with just skills but not players who truly trust one another. I'm really very happy that I could still experience being in such a team before I stop Netball or being I stop playing competitively. I could still remember how elated I was when my year 1 junior told me she could only see me during throw-ins. AHHAHAHHAH it's such a rare thing to come out from ANYBODY at all!! I swear!! The worst thing was that my co-defender was someone one head plus taller than me!!! HAHAHHAH thinking of it makes me happy. Ok, I meant like yes, it may be true that it's due to the fact that she didn't have the vision or the ability to pass. But it just felt great. HAHAHHA for once. Actually, somehow it also show how much people trust you. And I truly thank her for placing that trust in me. I guess this team was also the first team that the juniors weren't THAT afraid of me even after going through so many trainings together.

The people that was always there for me when I was upset about Netball stuffs, always trying to help me settle them. Really glad to know them. Definitely made my poly life much more interesting.

Mel; forever making my day cause she's just TOO LAME!!! HAHAHAH but sadly, after poly people just have to change and mature. So she isn't as lame anymore): Nobody to entertain and get my lame jokes FAST already HAHAHAHA. Do miss the times when we sit outside cheers after training to talk and slack and our supper(:

George; we were supposed to be acquaintance in primary school too. But sadly, we don't remember each other, we only remembered each other schools. Actually, I must admit something. HAHAHHA I do think that I'm quite proud and cocky in primary school. That's for achieving too much at a young age I guess? I definitely learnt my lesson! So apparently we got close because we were loners that didn't have any close friends to sleep with during netball camp. Definitely something we will never forget. HAHAHHA. And the fact that we're the only LSCT netballers-.- Really enjoyed the late night talks we had whenever we have camps(: And obviously not forgetting the fact that you dumped us for a season!!!

Twins; Acquaintance for 6 years, opponents for 6 years. Finally, we're teammates HAHAHHA but obviously I know how to differentiate the two of your already!! Same face but totally opposite characters. Of course there are still similarities in you guys! Both of your presence in the team definitely made a difference (duh, your are so famous in the netball arena! HAHAH). No lah, I meant that both of your presence always make me want to work harder. Trina, the captain who always push us so hard even when the coach and tic is not there! And of course also always trying to convey my message to the coach. Tricia, always giving the stern look on court, making you all so stressed up about having a play a damn good game. Though I always quarrel with Trina, we always talk it out quickly. We definitely got to know each other much more through the quarrels. HAHAHHA. Tricia, always the one who keep everything to herself and being all so sensitive about every nitty gritty things. Someone whom I find much more sensitive than me!!

Teammates whom played alongside me for 3 years. Thanks for the trust in me despite me being so unconfident about myself all the time. We finally did it. After putting in so much hard work. effort and time for this last season/last year. We definitely did not let our last year just pass like that. We all had our reason to work doubly hard for this last year. And we FINALLY DID IT!! (: Efforts definitely paid off. And not forgetting all the crap we've been through under puva. HAHAHHAHAH Though I really don't want to be opponents with you guys again. But things just got to move on isn't it? sigh....

MY BEST BUDDY(: 13 years and counting~ I know it'll be a strong friendship cause we've been through so much together. Tough trainings, rough times, everything. Oh yes, not forgetting the crap puva gave us too. HAHAHHA. I guess the only sad part was we weren't in the same school or the same team during secondary school. I know it's the time when you needed someone there with you, but yet I wasn't there. Feel really guilty about it. Obviously I know you'll pull through even without me. Really thankful for you being around. Though you abandon me in year 1 but you fulfilled your promise and came back in year 2(: This time round, it's really the last time we'll be playing together already.

Secondary school friends out of netball. The rare people that stayed in my life. Cause I'm always too busy for people out of netball. Glad I always have them to rant to and to chill out with(: Sometimes when you're so maxed out by netball and netball related stuffs/people, you just need people like them to help you relax. We may have gone separate ways in life already, but I know this friendship will last too. Cause I won't allow it to end(: We'll continue meeting up for badminton even when we're older ok?! AHHAHAHHA. I think you'll see this *give sneaky face*

Last but not least, this group of people whom I ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS look forward to meeting every Fridays. It really hurt me a lot to see us being so far apart. Everyone moved on and everyone seem to changed. Even myself I guess? I remember how much people used to envy seeing us chatting on twitter or posting photos every Friday night. But now, sometimes I feel as though we're like strangers to each other. One definitely drifted and changed drastically. The change made me super turn off of course! Neither do I wish to try to make her know that she changed first. Another one, I guess we didn't mean as much to her? And yet another one whom had a changed of priorities. Sadly, but not what she wanted to. Last one, definitely moved on. No idea why but sometimes I feel inferior to her. Deep down I do hope she chose us instead but I know how much none of us are willing to disappoint Ms Huang. Though everytime she'll just tell you that you don't play for her, therefore there's nothing to be disappointed about. Obviously, all of us are also competitive by nature. I guess that'll always be the sad part about team sports. Cause you not only have to compete with your opponents, you have to compete with your own teammates too. Much less forgetting that the toughest opponent is still yourself. I do hope that we'll be back like last time again with new additions. Or maybe I just hope Llabten could be bonded and that those cocky seniors are willing to start accepting the juniors.

Sometimes, I really don't get it. We're already all in the same club, just why can't your accept us? Accepting means trust of course. Now, every club training seem to be a major turn off to me already. Ms Huang no longer have the power to make me go on strongly neither does the team. I always ask myself, why bother doing something I don't enjoy? Why do I want to make myself so sad and miserable? Why do I always have to stress over something that's suppose to make me happy? Why do I want to leave sad memories in my Netball life? The reason why I kept going even when these questions appeared was because I know that deep down, I really love playing Netball. It was the reason I lived, literally. I just hope I could find a much better, much realistic reason to continue. If the club was really bonded, I swear I'll play as hard as I played for POL-ITE. I'm willing to do anything for the club if I enjoyed playing there. Ms Huang told us it's a place to continue our passion. But Ms Huang, did you realised it's a place that killed all our passion for this sport? I always remembered every thing you said, but do you remember what I said/wrote?

I really hope I won't have to decide. But I guess after this carnival, it's definitely time to decide. I really really honestly truthfully sincerely hope the club can really be like a big family. Not just on screen, but in real life. Maybe that should be the motto for welfare team HAHAHAHHAH