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“Take up one idea. Make that one idea your life - think of it, dream of it, live on that idea. Let the brain, muscles, nerves, every part of your body, be full of that idea, and just leave every other idea alone. This is the way to success, that is way great spiritual giants are produced.” Swami Vivekananda
“Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.” Steve Jobs
“The truth is incontrovertible, malice may attack it, ignorance may deride it, but in the end; there it is.” Winston Churchill
Coward.
Saturday, April 05, 2014 1:17 AM

Everything just boils down to the fact that im a coward. A coward to face the challenges posed over and over again. Afraid that once again I'll fail. Afraid to disappoint. Afraid of the lack of self discipline. Afraid of these and that.

Even if I got my answer, I doubt I'll stop being afraid. I really really wish to talk to her about it. But I dono how to start. I care too much abt how she sees me. I dont know how well she know me as a person or even a player. I guess she do know me well enough as a player. But how well is a qn. Does she like everyone else, only know the 'outer layer' I have? Or the real me. I really dono.

I know im someone who cant get over things im not willing to get over. Or things I cant decipher. Im not someone who's easily satisfied by what someone will say to make u feel better. I only want to know the truth. Not things that will make me feel better. I dont need lies. Im old/mature enough to face the truth. Besides, I know how to differentiate truth from lies. And If the person isnt someone I look up to or someone I respect, sorry, but whatever u say in this matter wouldnt be convincing to me.

Yes, I do want to know the answer. I dont want to continue guessing. But then again, I really dono if I can ever meet up to her expectations. I want to play. I know it damn well myself. But am I ready? I do not know.

I guess she could sense it too. Since last year, I never once looked like I wanted to compete that badly for the club anymore. Now, I guess shes just being slightly more lenient on me cause im sick. I know she let us have break cause she knows I dont wanna sit out for trgs. Or maybe im just thinking too much. I dont want to be a burden to the team. I want to be able to meet her expectations or even my own for once while playing for the club.

I do want to have a good talk with u but I dont think I deserve to have one. I should have asked then. Instead of waiting/dragging on for so long.

Sometimes I really do hope this feeling/msg/reflection could be conveyed onto her. But I guess I could only muster up the courage one day to ask her. Nobody will be able to help me...
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